Layers

I'm naked and shameless
crushing myself to pieces
And just like that of
a chilli pepper... I burn
piercing these delicate eyes.
Carefully undoing these knots
and as I barely stand there tearing
you come to me in a brief flash of light.

I wipe away
the bitter toxicity
to clear the view
but you have run away
back into the bleak
darkness of the unknown
shedding all
which is non existant
in this world.

Is it better when
you know
that you are
not the only one?
To bury your self
deep within your
own confined safehell?
....sometimes I wonder...

Divided

Is It only I
that knows the the foul stench the
jingle of my heart lets off as
you, in a divided sense, sit in your trap
and deem your self
overcome by the
darkness which surrounds
in every aspect grasping hold
clamping down upon
your vital organs
torturing you with
the endeavour of the
knowledge you have
unduly aquired that life is
as bitter as the fallen sour lemon
the tree refused to hold on to?

Release

As the seasons change and time moves on I remain caught In this trap of not allowing you the freedom to leave.If i release you from these walls within me, will I be in better shape or will I completely fall to pieces not having you near me in the form of 'thought'? Would amnesia be a good thing? I often ask for a pill which eradicates memory..however I'm not so sure that is the answer...I'm not at peace and never will be until I can reach the ultimate end to this realm as i know it.
I need to tell my self to stop picking up the pieces to a dream that was and has long forever gone.My world needs to be offered out to you...yet Its too difficult to unchain my self from the safe walls of the confined hell and the toxicity of foul stench I breathe....peeling back the layers makes for good drinking fluid right about now ....The things I have wanted the most in this life were given to me and taken ...so I deal with this playground of regret amongst other poisons and things burn right beneath my skin....A part of me is dead...

Rock

I bury my self
In the sounds
only heard in side my walls
and to that voice
that knows me best
That which i transcribe
here in words are
somewhat inadequate.

A Future waits
but not for me
and sometiems I cry
sometimes I wonder
why I need to
get out of this
compartment.
My hope is gone
and my will ...
do i still have the will ?
The will to leave it all behind
and get on with
what is present
before me now ?

Will you...
take my hand
through the fears
through the anger
through the sadness..
help me to swim
help me to be a rock?

...

THIS LIFE IS
A GAMBLE...SADNESS
I TAKE WHAT IS
DISHED OUT TO ME
AND DESPITE WANTING
CONTROL BY
TAKING IT TO THE END
I JUST GO ON
LIKE THE AIR ALL
AROUND ME
I AM SUBJECTED
TO ALL KINDS
OF CHANGES
BITTER COLD
CALM WARMTH
SWELTERING HEAT.
I FEEL A COMPLETE
ABSENSE OF AIR
WHERE I LONG
TO RESIDE.
SOMEWHERE IN
MY SOUL... I STAND
AND LOOK OUT
OF A CLEAR WINDOW
AND SEE IT...HAPPINESS
WIDESCREEN WITHIN .

About me..

All my life is on me now, and here's another speech you wish I would swallow..another cue for you to fold your arms and block your ears. Another train of thought too difficult to follow....I bury secrets under my skin and they are there constantly burning me ever so slowly from beneath, so scratch me out of you until I bleed...It's nothing to me...dont worry, I have felt worse pain.Fuck... regret my own existance. Its hard enough being civil to my self and at times I take the blade so sharp but scare away because Of the little pure hearts that stare at me each and every day.They dont deserve what I am. Pain is evident in my existance...im lying limp in side my own hand, the hand which configures to a fist and pounces upon my soul....but I cant feel it any more ..its just numb.

Shattered

You took my heart
and shattered it.
Now like a
smashed piece
of crystal I lay
all fragmented
broken sharp edges
cause bleeding
as you try
to recover me you
also bear the pain
I have inflicted
upon you ....Its all that
fuckwit GOD`s fault..I hate him
You are all wrong.. I wish I could remember
you more clearly.. when im jaggered like this
everything is bladed sharp and obtuse...

Slit

Something is under my skin
Like a nest of wasps
I cant stand the sting
The pain is unberable
eating at me,
slowly poisoning and
disolving me in agony
from the wound to the nerve.

Swell Of the Tide

The tide rolls in
all around her.

She is weightless.
She floats, her
head only just
above the safe line.

Breathing In
the salt water
vapour,
she allows it
to cleanse
her soul
which is so
so hurt.

Multifaceted and enduring
yet encased...locked....is a corner..
lonely...
empty...
nothingness.
Wanting something
that is past
that is gone.

She lives above water
clinging to the
other parts
of her
fragmented enclosure
which prevent
her from being
swept up in the
swell of the tide.

*()()*

Im Caught up in a web so intricate called history I cannot easily escape. Wish it wasnt the case..Why do humans need a memory ....I'm In great need of a pill which can eradicate that part of the brain so that each day is a new one with no baggage from previous time.

There`s too much space...Something pulls me back to this reality so contorted yet I know where It is I should be. It was not in my hands. For that i hate life..I had no control ...no one asked if i wanted It. Born out of my loins. I can`t forget.

GET FUCKED GOD.

Trapped

I am captive
i scream some times
Yet no one hears
I try and breathe
so consumed with the
pollutants of my history
I ignore the now
The living, the things which
have power to pull me out
of the ground where the
dirt is cold and damp.
Time is like a knife
a very sharp blade
as it comes around
I shriek and sink
into my own darkness.
They offer the candle
the other two but im so
tied by the chains to my ankles
in this cold black pit.
God is nowhere..typical!
Abandoned his creations, the
people he so left behind
who crave for the attendance
of the one he has commited
to his so called kingdom

Drenched Soul

No one knows
Her eyes are heavy
Her heart has sunk
soul is drenched
She's drowned .

In a state of death
She just floats
the salt preserving
her shell.
In side her there is nothing.

In life she has every thing
yet the one thing she wants
is no longer tangible.

When oh when will
She meet him again?
She longs to see his loving
vulnerable eyes
that radiant smile
he always seemed to have
every time she watched him
while he was around.

Please.. she begs..
allow her distorted views,
projections to
become after life.

Duality

Your tongue... I crave
I wish i could remember
I need you
what you smelt like
can we be alone?
when you were here
Touch me pull me
right now Im roaming
grab me slam me
in a world foreign
push me then enter
from any one....alone
with friction so i feel you
Im holding on
deep inside hit that spot
clinging to these stones
vibrate my internal organs
I seem to be rolling on
until i scream
falling without brakes
pleasure and pain.
in the endless .

Changeable

Shuffle me in the palms of your hands
just like a deck of cards.
Right now I'm erratic
playing with chance is exciting.
Don't let me fall so deep
that I can't gather oxygen
or see clearly.
Just be around.
I need you.
To feel you is my security
you are the key to my lock.
In these moments of conflict
any sound you make
although muffled to my senses
is like an opening wide
within you... peaceful
familiar and welcoming.

....

My head Is aching.At times its so difficult to escape these thoughts and break through this enclosure.I hear people speak and I know they mean well but to listen and act on what others are saying is just too complicated when im this state. A state of barroness on cold dirt..an absolute nothingness....No physical No mental no emotional just a big ditch of nothing.

With the rising sunshine im out for a jog.. I regain sense of my breathing..and back into life.Thoughts swirl around my mind with every step and every beat i feel within the cage of my heart. Still fresh from the nights tortures I'm in desperate need to rid my self of this heaviness and in side my mind I see what matters...it is kindness..what we share in the quieter moments what you wisper to me when i drop in the sheets. You keep me from the shell closing in around me.When It feels as though the dirt In that ditch has no life you come along and water it with a simple warm touch and welcoming words.The earth beneath flourishes with life and beauty and hence the ability to feel and sense returns.

Get Out..

Time flies
like a jet
soaring through
the open skies.
It's so fast
and driven
yet i remain,
almost
in a vortex...

broken....

within
a very small
and confined passage,
unchallenged
by the movement of time.

I keep it closed,
never open for view.

This is me right now just after midnight.. in desperate need of a dark cloud to over take my thoughts... and just ...

null this pain.

Without Title

Days go by like
the passing wind
Transient and swift
yet within my
mind its as if
you never left.
Your imprint is
with me,and every
minute that
travels along side
you in the gust
brings me
closer to joy.
When it occurs
I feel you through
every vein and
every fibre.
So close yet
so far and
unknown.

Empty room

When there is no touch sensation,nothing but a mind which controls the body and its palpatations an ache emerges.. a feeling so raw.I don't feel great. My children are here which help ground me however I shield my crying eyes from their view.Within my walls I feel broken.Friendships etc all around me, people who are beautiful whom I wouldnt trade for the sun, see not this side of me. Inside I feel like an empty room, no excitations, just a complete sombreness without history, it's solitaire. I am alone with my desire lost somewhere.. I cant find my way back. I feel numb.Its so dominating at times that I cant breathe.

Warmth

It was warming to feel you holding my hand and then again you draping your arm comfortably over my shoulder as we sat in the bar. We havent done that in a while and I guess I recalled feelings i thought were lost. You spoke so nicely ..whispering in side my ear when others in the crowd were noisy. For a moment it was like the place stood still no sound except ours.I made love to you in my mind before It actually happened that we found ourselves entwined like a twisted rope so tightly in bare embrace. I took the ride as far as possible until i tipped myself over the edge then there was no turning back.You pushed your self into my zone which such gentleness begining at that bar....your seduction in turn enabled similar to come out in me where I always try and cover that side so as not to be seen.This time my heart opened like a rare sea shell aswell as my entire being engulfed and swallowed up by you ...the man who still takes my breath away...the one whos eyes I could drown in. Right now I can't wait for you come home so we can get warm...warm and undressed.

Hidden

My insides
are aching.

There are
so many
things I
want to
say but
can't.

Supressed
by this
noisy silence
I with
this mask
distort
a smile
just to
appease
the family
set up we
have going.

I wish
they weren't
a part
of me.

Many lumps
inside me
spreading
through my
veins a
sickness
all over
my tarnished
organs.

A lack
of ability
to breathe.

I have
become numb
operating
almost like
a decoy
to protect
by deceiving
the other
side which
resides
within me
bearing this
sharp blade.

Guarding
what is
in close
containment
of my bottle
full of emotion
and what
I hide.

A Caper of Darkness

Is it possible
to take hold
of the past
and toss it
far away
for the
blowing winds
to take
into a storm
where it then
becomes broken
in jaggered
illegible pieces?

Distorted
to anyone who
who may look
It becomes irrelevant.

Will the wounds
then seal?
Will new skin
eventually
cover the scars
with flesh
depositing itself
over these incisions?

Once the
cold comes
around like
it usually
does and the
fear sets in
I know
I shall become
pale and
turn white
then shrink
back to pain
with the
old flesh
and once
again perhaps
even uglier
than before
become visible
and where
old sores
I thought
had diminished
to a nothing
resurface
to the nakedness
of all my
vital organs

Once that
is exposed
I am right
back where
I began
in the pit
doing things
which make me
numb and unforgiving
of myself
and the
fractured ways
I have
been living
and all
under this
caper of darkness.

Hesitation

I used to think that I knew what I needed...what we needed.I just assumed that we'd always be fine.Every time I wake from sleep I hesitate as I watch you lying there,wanting to touch you but not acting upon it. It's as if it's all a part of me... It tears at my heart.

Sitting here in the light of the late afternoon,sun warming my back,I'm thinking how we've come to far and all this 'distance' is driving us further and further apart. I know it's my fault. You are all I ever wanted but I'm terrified.

Not having been intimate yet since my return is like something sharp pricking my liver.I feel as though I need to dive for your heart. I want you. Your face above me darkening the moonlight. To feel an intensity coming from inside me... like I have died and ascended upwards.

What I am.

When the night strikes and each time I make you mine, there is a moment there
which speaks nothing but pure bliss.Only you can do that to me. Not so long ago I was in a discussion with some one about that, and they said I had "become accustomed" to you. I guess that is somewhat true.Having admitted that, I do feel a connection beyond words.This feeling comes on often only in the black coals of the night. It is then where 'I' become visible and this truth emerges.In daylight hours the memory and recollection of events of the night before with you can be just as piercing to my skin from the intensity.

I never tire of living life for the fleeting moments of passion,and as part of a whole it's what I am.You consistantly engorge my mind,from your scent to every muscular curve of your physique. It's like you are inside me, like blood gushing through my veins.Most vivid when im physically active, after a strong workout the feeling of being drug induced . Even the strongest,intoxicating substance of external influence can't rid you of my system.I have tried. No matter how far away I am,I find my self strangely engulfed by the thought of you, a longing which can forgive. It's in such moments I feel so alone.

Entrenched in the thought of you I look up now and see our wonderful production,tugging away at my skirt. Back to a reality I cannot ever escape. Forever an imprint one fateful night in the arms of the night sky under the canopy of the stars.

Feeling an absence

Finally back at last. This trip has given me room to think and see you in another light. It`s true that we haven't found eachother in a long time, and even though we`ve been down, I still feel a connection beyond words.

Weeks have passed and we didn`t do much talking,however in your writing I`m seeing a different side to you.I don't see the man I know,or at least I thought I knew.Vulnerabilities within the drums of freedom have surfaced.

Being away these past weeks I cast my mind to the many faces I was with,and at the time I remember often being distracted by the vision of you. In the dead of the night,within the cradle of my mind I could feel your hands everywhere all over me and under my skin. And In the hush of the night I can still forgive and want you back to a point we once were, but as the day dawns I'm faced with brighter light and I'm pulled back to reality with the lingering thought of you in the nights passing.

One thing that struck me being physically absent from you, was how easy it had become to pretend.Amongst strangers, I could easily assume the role of single woman with child. But deep within I was only half present.My little girl nowhere to be seen or found. Honesty became such a great challenge, at which I often chose to mask.

I don`t believe I ever lost the feeling but I have been letting everything else build up and all around me like cobwebs protecting the love from the tears in my heart.

There is more.....

Gap

I recall a moment in time when you followed me home. Inside my place you showered me with seduction, along my collarbone you began...only you could do it to me...and when it officially occured that I received the sweat of you deep within, afterwards you sucked it all out of me as if to claim yourself again. Still bits of you had dispersed and made their home within me.

That night was a weird one. It was our first time,images still clear and vivid as the day sky. I had never experienced such an encounter until you. I loved it. But it seems,when I reflect upon it now, I ask my self if it was the beginning of this bitter end?

I am leaving in a few days. I want to see if my heart will miss the magic we tend to create every time we are locked inside one another, bathing with the liquids only unique to us. Is it enough?

A moment of madness

This post was written back on January 9 during a heat wave.I have now decided to publish it

Its currently 36 degrees, and im feeling a little bewildered by the heat. I don`t understand why but my mind constanatly travels to the darkest places. Places where destinies are carved in stone by actions which speak horrid and merciless moments. I look around me at all that I have aquired in material form and I see that it means nothing. I do not have financial difficulties and I do have what I want materialistically speaking. But that what I need and truly want I cant have.
I have been told by my close friend MJ that my thinking is at times insane. I have an inate ability to speak shit and twist words to suit when I am speaking truth. I guess that is a skill I have come to aquire with the shitty destiny of my life.I want nothing but true love, but unfaithfulness is often what I attract. I am often overcome with lust in my silent domain. I have been praying of recent for God to hate me and Troy also the same. I don`t want you to want me...I don`t even want the curse that I am.

I currently look forward to an overseas trip with my beautiful petal of a boy.The one who`s eyes I look into each and every day and am reminded of truth and beauty. The eyes that don`t lie and can`t be shaded.

Bullet.

I am a contradiction.
Consumed
darkness
blacker than coal.

I am insane
I am a liar
twisted
contorted
hated.

I have multiple faces
lust
yearn
love.

Think of me
see me
hear me
touch me
curse me
then forget me.


God is a
bullet
inside
me.

M.J

Friend.. I really didn`t mean to participate in anything which would cause you or 'us' any harm. Far from it. I truly love and respect you.

For a while there I was extremely worried that what occured between us would determine a level of strain on our friendship...and it has been a silent hell wanting so much to see you as we were before. I know from your writing you too were feeling similar. I never stopped loving you.

Thank God for you my friend.Its all behind us now, and the ice between us has melted. Being able to talk has lifted a huge weight of our shoulders. I could not leave and not have what happened sorted.

The sun is bright right now...and I`m enjoying it. Friends are plenty but like you very rare.

Untitled

Troy...You once laughed when you heard me say that you would be playing solitaire, and swinging uneasy in that chair of yours. It never entered your mind did it ? You told me I was mistakened. Well let me tell you something.. it wont be me that wakes up one morning ordering cofee just for one. You seem to have something I lack and although I`ll have to 'scratch my back' all by by lonesome it may be the liberating choice I need to make. I warned you before that if you scorned me again I`d be singing the single maidens prayer, and you would wish you were here to get back inside my skin. I`ll be going soon and when I return I hope this fucking crap will become more clearer...

Friend..come back

I believed that I had learnt it all but I have learnt nothing. Is the inside of my brain changing?

I dont want to turn this into any thing huge...but what happened between you and I, was major.I had never experienced something like that ever before...and didn`t think I was even that way inclined.

It began with some Gin...a slow ballad.....and....now I`m lost with what occured...

Will things ever be the same ?

Has the time come for me to say fuck you and leave, then grieve about why it`s come to this ? I don`t want to have the twisted dark thoughts I have..somewhat existant... in every corner of my mind.

Where are you ?

If you are near me would you lay your hand on me again but not the same way...i feel so down and confused. I just want 'you' back my friend.

Up

I recently resigned from my job. I no longer am 'repesentor of human bile' or 'pondscum' as one person put it.

I do have a few case loads I need to follow through until their next hurdle which I hope will be some time in Feb/March but after that is over I am a free woman. Free of the chains this job has on my mind. So stressful it`s been to have to deal with things,situations I essentially despise, and cannot condone. Although it was never my role to be judge, you had to be in a certain way, to find out the truth in the story with whom you were dealing. They don`t always tell you everything up front. Dealing mostly with adolescents is another thing all together. Generally speaking they are troubled and often because of factors of abuse in their history, makes their affliction towards the unlawful greater.

Of recent, I was not exactly able to adequately defend not so much the adolescents, but others who also came into my case loads. Mind you, I don`t think I was ever aware about having these feelings especially not at the onset of my career. It`s something that kind of grew on me, a type of dissent away from what I had learned and knew it took to play the role I grew to despise. My head will finally be free of the clutches and stresses of this aspect of my life.

I am planning an overseas trip maybe together with my beautiful boy and cannot wait. Although things seem bleak at times and life not worth all the pennies of financial freedom and luxury I have attained and share with him,I am coming to realise that It really means nothing. When you are dragged down by heavy existance and consumed with fear and hatred firstly for your self and extended even to your 'created blood' at the worse of moments what does material do to alter it ? In my crazier moments of delirium I feel quite guilty for blaming them both for existing and me not being able to escape to the other plain where I feel I belong. Although my hands do not not shake, In my quiet mind I am often erratic. When I`m speaking the truth I am overcome with an innate ability to twist words in ways which suit and often get me a desired response.That comes with the experience of my shitty existence and what I have been doing in my career all along. 'You are insane' Troy often tells me, and he is right.

Things are on the upward finally !

New number

Forget you. I wish I could. Forget what`s happened forget that I bore our blood through my loins. Now they are all that are keeping me here.If it wasnt for you id be soring in a dream taking another hit. Safe in the knowledge that Im defeated and in bliss totally oblivious to you and our created blood.

The little creatures are so innocent. I don`t want to tarnish that. The moment I feel that happening I`d rather be gone from this earth on the plane I ought to be,without you. Gone and forgotten,is what I desire.

I feel changes happening I don`t neccesarily want but know I need.For the sake of life here on this level I will say I want you to save me a place away from all the other clutter. You recently said in your words you already got over yesterday a while ago now. You said I should also cut loose as you have done. How can i ? Forget the hurt and every promise spoken and unspoken. It lingers like darkness all night everlasting. I hear the wispers within knowing that I am gone. I am here physically but not in a sense of existing in harmony. like I`m drifting in and out of spells of emotion of positive and negative contradictions. It`s a long road and the cold hard facts make for a destination unwanted. I think I did the best I could considering...

Forgiveness shall be the flavour of tommorow as we approach a cleansing season of a new number where I hope all will be left right here in the midst of time.

Contradictions

Contradictions. Why?

Battle within
cracks
fragments
break
smash
armour
all around
my
vital
organs.

Rip
out
my
uteris
slash
it to bits!

Resolute
decided
unsure.

Hear me
touch me
smell me
taste me.

Sick poison.

Destruction.

Sickened
by the
existence
of my life.

Deserve
not to have
sunshine.

Nor God.

Choking
can`t breathe.

Darkness
becomes me.

Too many
shades of grey.

Too many faces
lost count.

Lost hope.

Desire to cut
this skin
and rinse this
ugly blood.

The desire
like a virus
is my last
hope.

Intoxicated
consumed.

No relief
nothing.

Little creatures
keep me
grounded

for now.

Emotional Run

Has it always been that I have been an emotional 'runner'? When I reflect on previous relationships I know once I have felt vulnerable it`s my cue to run and never be found.

Before I met Troy I spent almost a whole year living in Europe- Greece to be specific as I needed a break from study and other negative influences which were interfering with my ability to achieve a grip on life. So I decided that living some where completely different making new friends and even having some 'sex' was going to be good medicine for me.

Well there were some short lived flings but one stood out. It took almost 3 months for us to consumate our relationship. As soon as we did I felt incredibly vulnerable and exposed that we never talked for weeks following. I kept on rejecting his calls and plain ignoring him. For me it was a moment I`d felt completely out of control, somewhat exposed and because of the physical act of union extremely vulnerable. I had gotten to know nothing about him really and yet I felt I had shown myself completely and honestly. I`m not one of these women who can easily fake emotions when naked and completely exposed when I have such intense feelings for for the man I`m with. Any way to cut a long story short it wasnt our destiny to be connected beyond that time I spent living abroad.

I`m currently feeling that something very similar is happening to me with relation to Troy. Although I know that kissing him was incredibly difficult I overcame that recently and it has been bliss, some thing is niggling away telling me that you need to continue in some way to keep your distance do not allow your self to be vulnerable especially not in a sexual way to Troy...look at what hes gone and done he`s compromised your trust....

I have only ever 'made love' and felt uncontrolably unable to just 'fuck' to only few in my life. I have been told by 1 of those few men that I 'made love' to, that I really am very vivid and just a complete open book, speaking a language quite unique to the purpose of the feelings unspoken.

Upon hearing that being voiced I ran far away and became quite uncommunicative choosing to instead bluntly stop myself from being known. It`s was like an intense disability and fear of being seen and known for what`s at the core of me. I do regret it often because I never allowed my self the opportunity to get to know those few men that I had been in love with...

There is no doubt I do or have felt a distance with Troy because of all the bloody fucking shit between us and have been afraid to go there completely with him again, and now that i have, im starting to revisit that niggling talk about doing an emotional run.

fireworks

Its all so sweet when its right...when you swear you think you might and take the plunge it`s simply divine. Last night I finally did it with him and it was sheer 'fireworks' better than my first ever kiss when I was 14 years old with a stranger at the city square in Melbourne many moons ago.There were fireworks there also.

This time it was precious... and I commited to it like a possesed woman. It was a final hurdle a challenge which was so very difficult to overcome. It melted away everything negative I ever felt and lifted me, like never before.
Im on the mend here and loving the warmth of the sunshine I feel in my soul.

Troy expressed it all to me in a letter he wrote after I allowed him to read my writing here. Ofcourse we still have a long road to travel before it all comes together but the fireworks are still there and im grinning .

A fundamental difference.

Lately I have been somewhere in the silence drifting and waiting to hear somebody say they know I have a 'silent voice' and are listening. I feel paralyzed, and this sound I cannot make is stiffling me. I cannot get out of myself and the strength of these thoughts which engulf my entire soul are strangling me, into a silence between you Troy and I.

Within my centre I`m contorted and cannot say exactly what it is that overtakes me in this deafening silence, but I know I`m very sad and hurt by the past and cannot fully forgive you or myself for that matter. It may seem that we are back on track because we are having sex like we need it to survive- and it`s all so invigorating, but the intimacy isn`t there any more. I`ts killing me quietly. One thing I`m realizing is there exists a fundamental difference between us in matters of emotion.

surrender

Why am I angry? . Although I have you Troy, I feel so desperately lonely. The anger and betrayal I feel about what has occured is still with me in some private and silent domain. I was safe and secure before you went down that road and I know it took me a while to tell you how it was destroying me, but you must understand that It wasn`t easy to live in that silence.


I felt us beginning to fade and all my security being robbed and violated. I often feel now that I`m trying to give you my heart but it`s just too little too late. I felt it desperately while we were intimate only hours ago. I was just driving myself to distraction and nothing was making it right. I am weak and it`s the 'ache' that makes me like that.

I want to surrender all this pain and begin again...but how ?

running

Its currently 11:30 pm and very cold outside. I just got in from a run. There is seriously nothing like running under the dark canopy of the stars in the night sky. I have alot on my mind and it`s the only thing apart from taking drugs which can act as a relaxant to such a mind as mine which finds it very difficult to shut down. I am 'positive' after a run like that and feel more relaxed to face the some times harrowing quiet of the night.

Although the surrounds are so deatheningly silent my mind is often a crowded space of the noise of uncontrollable thoughts swirling around my head like dirty north winds. When I miss the opportunity to do the running and thus experience the exaustion, it can get to me- just like poisonous pollution..taking hold of every fibre torturing my soul . The doctors have got it all wrong in my opinion. The best drug for me and people like me is sweat and rigorous physical exaustion...it really works ! I`m ready to face the night now...

Will

We are the same and I don`t think you even know it Troy. We are both afraid and we try not to show it and I`m sure you are tired and so am I. So there`s only one thing you and I can do and that is to hold eachother.

Tell me what you need, dont be afraid to express it all to me. You must already know that I`ll never leave you although it must seem at times from my distant presence that I do want to. Just hold on to me like you are doing when we apart...I still feel together. I still believe in a thing called forever.

We are drifting apart...this is true and all the fragments of my life the pieces of my soul are falling and driven towards you...definately with you. In my dreams we drive away where no one can find us and leave all those dark days behind us. It`s always you.. never can be any one else. I`m sorry you feel differently when I didn`t argue my point like I usually do and appeared to go along with your suggestion . I was feeling pain my self from the destruction and poison such a suggestion would do to our union. I was only human, and had my own personal problem with it too.

I know I often lead in our union and appear as the 'tougher' one at times somewhat cool and heartless, totally level headed about situations happening around us , but this thing between us has caused me to feel what I probably knew all along would injure me inside. Conflict to such a point it`s causing us to become distant which I can`t say I`ve ever felt with you before. The expressed inability to kiss you is some thing buried deep within my psyche. I don`t believe I have lost my will but at times I do question it. I think I have built a wall of sound around me hearing only what my thoughts are and although im sure you know I love you, do I still have the will ?

Axes

I have alot on my mind and feel chained by the heaviness of what i know. Is there any way to free my mind of such axes which make me all aware to the point of madness ?

As i sit here and continue to ponder on my life and all that I have done so far I ask myself the question, to who has it been beneficial ? While i serve as a participant in this world have I done any good ? Im not talking about crusades here, just what I have done. I represent the worse kind of human beings all in the name of 'justice'. The victims are often left out wet and cold with the pain caused by the sorts I represent. I dont see that as entirely noteworthy, yet its what I do.

In my personal self I struggle with issues concerning my own behaviour towards my marital union with Troy. Although things are looking back on track with us I suffer from feeling like im two personas in some sense.I continue to reflect on what i did during that rather angry time . I wish I didnt do it ! why was i not strong enough to say no ? I am so resolute in many ways on many issues I know where i stand and what to say and do very well yet unable to reject what I instantly knew would kill me deep inside. The duality in my nature is some thing I struggle to accept and understand.
In my darkest hour I feel like im just differing shades of grey, and at worse times dead. Without my children I often question what would be left for me in this realm ? They have an incredible ability to bring out a side in me which reflects positivity and meaning. My mind ponders whether or not God resides in them ? Perhaps this is Gods way of getting through to me.

Sick and Torn

A few years ago our team took on a client who was placed within the juvenile justice system for scrutiny, where he received formal police cautioning amongst other systems in place to repay his 'debt' to society. I wasn`t shoked to day to see that exact same person come before our team once again- only this time his wrongdoing is alot more severe.

Apparently he killed some poor fellow by running him over a few times in a car. He did it on purpose and he doesnt feel too hassled by the fact that he took some ones life away in such a callous, gutless way. It`s probably all part of his game, and its a game which is destroying his own life as well as the lives of others too.

But then who am I to talk ? There are some things I can never forget that I have done to other people and all in the name of living for my self, and what does it matter any way in our darkest hour we are all just shades of grey.All I can say to that scumbag right now is , when the curtains close you will be suffering despair you can never imagine. It will be hell on earth for you when you finally face yourself and I pity you for when you discover that , you`re as good as dead.

It leaves me feeling kind of sick. Even though it`s not my role to judge, when I think about the things our clients all do and we represent them, It leaves me feeling at the bottom of the heap. Especially at night when my thoughts dominate and i cant escape the hold of the darkness I find myself in.

During my earlier years as a student I had a glamourous view of what it meant to represent the criminal and although I mostly deal with juveniles who require a great need for what I can do..occassionally we come across screwey nutters. My collegues all seem cold to what they are representing and I guess I`m the same. I have to be like that in order to escape the hell caused by these types.

It really gets to me, in quieter moments, which is a big reason why I feel like a separated soul. I put on a face professionally and another in my personal self. It`s at moments like these I`m torn and I don`t think I can do it for much more.

Where ?

In my self I seek answers, but God isn`t answering. Where do I go from here ? Im afraid my love wont last, but I`ve passed boundaries no one has come near. I often see what I can`t understand. How long will I last in these low times ? What future do I hold in my hands ? Where do I go from here ?

Quiet

Well here I find myself again with the same thing on my mind..just cant get it out of my head. Troy and I have been recently back together sleeping in the same bed. The moratorium was good while it lasted, and im only human.

I can`t say exactly how much joy I feel when we are bare together, but to sum it all up It`s just like a drug I need to keep me over the edge...in a realm which is just 'truth enducing' . I can`t sit there and lie about how I feel about him. When I`m fucking him, it`s just so bloody clear to me that it`s he whom I belong to. Ever since I first saw him, some thing deep inside me begged to acknowledge that I wanted him. I have always felt so intense about him and all that we have done and made together that I can`t easily let go...which is probably what i should have done ages ago, but didn`t have the courage. Now we are back to being one connected at the hip.
However not completely. I haven`t been able to kiss his lips. Some thing about it is too confronting...so much so I feel like a weak hypocrite given that I can`t resist him with what I am back doing. It`s quite disfunctional in itself...and I really hate it. But having said that, It feels like I`ve loved him for a rather long time and it`s so good to let him in on the things I could not show...for so long.

When I told Troy I couldn`t take much more of this, he tried to make me forget it by wanting to kiss, but I rejected. Each day I tell myself that something`s wrong..that I have learnt about things that I have never wanted...and feel so helpless and deserted by God. I have changed and there are no signs of the one I knew, no traces what so ever. I am lying very low and feel like going under. My bones are numb when i think about what we could have been and what we have become.

There`s a quieter beat to my heart however and I never let any one hear. I`m sick , I`m tired and I`m lonely now, I can`t seem to heal, but I know I have got to keep trying.

Storms

Well, I guess like the colour of this post....right now I am blue. Recently I spoke to Troy about all I was feeling and going through in our marriage. The reasons why exactly I chose to leave our bed....

He is wanting us to 'get back to a point we once had' which was so beautiful and ideal.
I am not ready to move back into his laps and just be there for him to fuck my brains out. How can i believe him when he tells, me when he holds me, when he kisses me and when he fucks me. I`m not at a level yet where I can just distort my emotions and jump back in to the sack with Troy. Nothing is ever going to be the same. He has taken what we shared and turned it into a storm inside me...where im just not ready nor able emotionally to have sex with him. Since all this occured between us I have come to realise more and more that the physical act of union meant so much more to me than to him. He has a sexual addiction. The act of it all may have ceased ,or so he says, since i decided not to be company to him in our bed...but thats not the entire picture nor problem.

I am not ready, and although at times I just wanna get warm and undressed and be with him something always stops me deep within. We are hugging and I founnd that incredibly difficult at first especially after our talk but now its getting to slowly feel comforting. The act of kissing is incredibly difficult and confronting and I havent gone there for quite a while since I stopped having sex with him. I can tell it`s driving him around the bend as he just wants us back....but Im no ones tool....and certainly arent a machine either to be switched on whenever he pleases. I have discovered that my mental desire to feel comfort with him is greater than the desire to be naked before him doing the act which got him in tangles and caused such a great storm inside.

Above all this may sound like im trying to punish him and although a part of me is screaming....this isn`t about 'him doing this to me'. Its about my need and space to heal, accept change in the best positive way and move forward with a man who has a sexual addiction and is also the blood of me and our children. It`s going to take some time. I was never the type to just screw for the sake of screwing....and don`t believe I can ever adjust that aspect of my self.

No more !

Troy is wanting to be intimate with me...however I have put a moratorium on us in that way. Its killing me inside that he shares himself with other women...and if its 'only sex' as he says, then I wonder what the hell it is when we are together?

Every time I go to bring it up when we are alone together, I stop like its an ancor caught deep below and can`t be easily released. I`m not usually so unable to communicate. I feel like I`m often two people in the one body.

Part of me is trapped and insecure so deep thinking to a point its beyond reproach. I feel like the blood that rushes around my body is tarnished and slowly poisoning me to death...miserably existant in a world full of shit. Powerless to stop all the hurt I feel. It`s almost like my life is a nemesis..and I deserve to be in it. With Troy it is some what nebulous and I dont know what to say to him or even where to begin. All I know is that Troy, you are the blood of my children and effectively the blood of me....and that blood is like a poison to which I am dying a rather slow death. I gave you my heart and my soul with absolute devotion and you`ve taken that and placed it in a tomb ready for the earth to swallow up. The truth be known Troy, I don`t repose too much confidence in your honesty nor in your promises. What my email friend told me in very simple succinct terms was correct - I dont feel 'comfort' with you Troy. There is no intimacy.

The other person inside me is a complete opposite to the one above. She isn`t afraid and vague..but precise and straight forward, knows what she wants and always goes out and gets it with extreme ability and confidence. Is rather well humoured and able to converse on many levels with people from all walks of life. Is always up for some fun and frolic amongst friends and never ever so intrinsic as the other person. Devoted to her children- where the other isn`t necessarily that way inclined. She is responsible and trustworthy..never ever selfish.

Some times especially more recent, I can`t control exactly which person I am especially when I`m all alone inside the walls of my private mind under the canopy of the dark dark night and my great mate Gin is beside me...helping to null all the pain.

Why do things have to change when hearts still beat the same?

From Ten thousand Miles Away

You shut your eyes and laid back on the pillows, placing your folded hands on your stomach.

I loved you and studied all the details of your face in the dim light of the Egyptian restaurant. I saw your nicely curled eyelashes and curly hair that once prompted someone to say that you reminded them of Pete Sampras, and I remembered your embarrasment at this.

Your hair was swept up off your face with the curls nicely placed,and I`ve often seen you do this and I like it. I like your face. I agree with a friend of mine who said that your eyes twinkle. They do ! When you smile, they twinkle and crease and sparkle. You have a warm loving way with your eyes.

But tonight, I was too afraid to look into them and it was breaking me up inside.
I wondered what you were thinking about, laying back there with those eyes closed. I wondered if you were just trying to escape from your surroundings, from the tipsy laughter and conversational cliches that were being formed between people. Perhaps you were thinking about all the others...
Perhaps you were just tired.

Memories floating In my mind..of a few times I talked to you, they hit me now.
Your coy, shy, eye ducking and smiling the night I sat next to you at the club.
That was the night I began to fall in love with you and I couldn`t believe what I was doing. At first, I just sat next to you because, I was suffering from jealousy and self pity as there had been someone else.

I`m sorry, for in a way I used you but you don`t and probably won`t even know. You gave me a lift home that night on your bike and I loved it. The speed and the feeling and your being there.

You don`t undersatnd why I love you. Well, I don`t understand why I love you.Why does anyone love anyone? We just need to love and be loved, and you loved me. You may be suprised to hear that, but you did love me.

I was depressed and you tried to comfort me. Felt lonely, and you shared it with me. You smiled at me and talked to me and listened between the lines to the words I spoke.

You didn`t love me passionately. Just with a gentle touch. You gave me a small part of yourself- that is love.

But I made the mistake of trying to force you to give me more. Force you to give me more of yourself to me by putting you on the spot for an unnatural, unspontaneous love which would not have been real. I realize and regret that mistake now. But I learnt from it and for that I`m thankful.

Upon your return tonight, I watched you as I ached inside, I longed to be near you.....

But instead, I could only watch you, you who loved me, from ten thousand miles away.

Nine days and nothing

I am waiting for words to appear and they don`t come. I think God is here looking into me and I don`t know what to say or do. I`m blank.

If only I could show some emotion, even some anger it would surely be better than this cumbersome boredom which is so deep inside me, or I would not supress what needs to come out. Or if I could even pray stupidly, but I don`t because it`s no good, and I don`t want to and I don`t feel like it and I`m sick to death of this.

It seems that I`m falling out of love with someone whose name I won`t mention. I`m hurt and angry that he hasn`t bothered to call of write in the past nine days. He is becoming a memory to me because it seems like so long ago that I saw him. Infact he doesn`t seem real, I mean the whole thing doesn`t seem real- like nothing ever happened. It`s a weird lonely feeling. I`m always lonely. I get some kick out of it. It`s another form of selfish depression.

Chris`s mother is sick in hospital and she left without being signed out by the nurses, only to be found and brought back by police.. Chris doesn`t say much about his mum being sick unless you ask and even then he doesn`t say much. I don`t know if that`s because he doesn`t like talking about it because it hurts or because he`s not used to people listening to him. I think It`s because of the latter reason.

I remember seeing Chris get drunk because Claire nicked off one night when she was sick of not seeing much of him. I don`t really think he was as drunk as he made out, but I do think, that in any case, he needed to let out alot of tension. It`s too easy for people to place the Chris`s of this world on pedestools, and be blind to their humaness. I was glad that I saw Chris a bit pissed. I would like to support him but I don`t know how.

What bugs me about myself is the fact that that I don`t know how to be a Christian and I`m always saying " I don`t know how , I don`t know what I don`t know", but I never, or hardly ever ask God how or what or when or even why? It`s pretty stupid, really.

Getting back to Chris, I just realised that I said I would like to support him,but said nothing about Claire or Luke or Kimberley. The truth is i don`t know how to support any of them except pray for them, and I don`t even do that. When I say to myself I`ll pray for someone, I never do. Perhaps It would help if I stopped trying to make myself feel better by trying to make myself feel worse, because Im just being slack.

The only way to get something done is to do it.

Troy has gone.

Troy hasn`t rang or written since he`s been gone (which is six days ago). It`s been going so slow and I miss him less as the days go by, especially since he hasn`t contacted me at all. So, well I might be sounding like 'baby', and yes I am too dependant on him . I`m drunk and have been off my face alot alot since he left, and I can imagine he`ll be over joyed to hear that. I don`t know how to handle this 'stay sober while Im not around' business. I feel doubly worse every time I have a drink when he`s not around.

He is the reason I`m just not going to ever get myself screwed in the sexual sense. I am not going to ever let another guy touch me. This thing with Troy is already fucked up, and I feel like killing myself. But I probably wouldn`t because I`m too gutless, so instead I just walk around feeling like the biggest slut that ever tread the streets of Melbourne. This is the last string I have to, I don`t know- morality I suppose, and I thought he was the first decent guy I`d ever had aside from Gus. But now Gus beats Troy, especially on that score.

I haven`t stopped running from reality, from responsibility and life I guess. We`re all pretty good at running and not facing up to ourselves. I`m just too too scared to stop and stick it through when It gets hard. I`m scared of the world I was born in- I`ve always been scared. Scared of my parents, scared of kids at school, scared of work collegues, men, people I live with, me and now finally- God. So there you go, but now I`m less scared of people and Im more scared of God. People are all on the one level ,pretty low. They`re all selfish weak lying hypocrites. They`re all into masks and games. All sorts of games from politics to crime, from youth training centres to bloody high Anglican churches. We`re all perverts, failures and fools.

Not many people put it over me like they used to. I always manage to find something in them that`s me and I say to myself 'you and I are In the same fucking boat. I know what your caper is.' But I hate them instead of love them for it- with a few exceptions. I suppose the closer they are the more I hate them- but I love them more too.That`s crazy. With people here, I want to just stomp them sometimes till I realise the exact thing I`m upset about is in me, and usually twice as worse.
Far out , being human is a pretty amazing experience. It`s either taken for granted or its way over rated. I don`t know which.

I hear rain on my roof it`s a nice sound when you`re In bed. I can be real to me, I think and that`s something I don`t have to act with myself. But having said that sometimes you can convince yourself that you`re on to the real thing when In actual fact, you`re ten billion miles away from it,and you wouldn`t realize it when it hits you in the face.

Troy is stuck in his own caper. I almost think it would be cruel to make him come out because he may snap in two. It would have to come from his own realization.

I`m really tired- I`m always tired now. I can`t be bothered trying. If I were completely mad, then I could at least enjoy being a slack bag but I`m only partly mad and therefore I am experiencing the worst kind of madness there is- I`m not oblivious to the madness of myself, and it`s pretty bloody hopeless.

Clutter

I wouldnt have minded

If you had stayed here tonight

Because I really

Just wanted to talk to you

or at least have you next to me

Near me

.....but at least I can cry since
youre not here.

I want to work it through

youre the first I ever

really gave a damm about

and now poison ivy

is coming between us

we dont talk

we dont fight

we dont cry

we dont laugh

we dont even grin much

except for 'grin and bear it'

the pain of wanting to say

I love you

is knocking on my head

but my heart wont answer

or is it my head ?

too much emotion and not enough logic

or too much 'the way it is'

instead of 'the way it could be'

all this and Im

left with one little remark

.......'I have nothing to say'
( when I have so much)

you say 'how are you ?'

it means 'I dont really want to know'

and I for the sake of politeness

say 'alright'

It means 'I know you dont really want to know so please dont hassle me'

Inner thoughts..

It`s been a long time since I`ve kept a diary and i think I`ve almst forgotten how to keep one. The last one I had I burnt after three long agonizing years when I was 20. They were long years. That diary had alot of pain. But the pain I remember was nothing in comparison with the pain of now , and I regret burning it. It was a memory of my time when I first left home to go and live on campus to complete my degree. The truth Is.. it was getting in the way of my studying and exams and I needed to burn it to get away from it permanently and focus on what needed to be done in order to create a future in my chosen field.

About a year ago a single mother from Kensington Flats jumped off a high rise building from the 12th storey and died. Although I couldn`t cry for her as I didn`t really know her that well ( we met a few times regarding legal matters), I did empathise with her. At times I can empathise with anybody who wants to end this crazy stinking life.

Is It this life that is crazy ? Is it this life that stinks or is life purely an individual thing where it`s good or bad according to the individual and the way they handle it ? Personally right now , I think life basically stinks .

My outlook on life , God and people and I guess on every bloody thing has become in the last 24 months or so cynical pessimistic morbid and cold. Eight times out of ten I see the negative of a situation before the good. I feel so horribly sorry for myself . I don`t pray and see God as a horrid monster pointing his big judgemental finger at me. I despise being alone with myself at night because I just sit there thinking about it.. not getting anywhere and wishing I had the guts to do what that woman from Kensington did. What I should be wishing for is the guts to love God and life again

But It`s me! It`s me that I hate . It has becoame so bad that I`ve convinced myself that God must hate it too. If God hates it then what hope do I have of ever being able to love..the way I once did.

God I have to find you through this murky dirty haze of hatred and self pity.I have to find my meaning in you as I never have before. Just what is my purpose besides representing the lowest form of scum in our diabolical society ?

If I can or if I am able to put my past away for a moment - may I ask you what do you want from me ? What plans do you have for my miserrable existance ? I often don`t know what I`m supposed to be doing with myself.

The thought just came into my head that I am simply being asked to to stay here and learn to love the people already around me - this household...my husband who`s caused me such grief... the children I bear to him, collegues, friends and others in this community perhaps...That is a big ask of me right at this present moment.

O.k next question. How am I supposed to love them?
"Stop giving into your own weaknesses and you will be starting to care about some of them that way. Give your weakness to me - I will use them for the good but if you persist in keeping them from me then you will really blow it !"

Are these real answers ? Is that really God speaking ?
How do I give my weaknesses to you ? Do I simply rattle off my weaknesses and say "Here you are , God - these are my weaknesses ! "

No I dont want just your weaknesses - I also want your strengths ( you mean I have some ? ) and capabilities and your wants, needs, thoughts, basically I want everything. I want you to give yourself to me each day and say " Here you are ,God- this is me ! ".

"Yes, I made you, and I want It all back. "

" But I`m selfish and find this difficult to do, and In any case - I really don`t know if it`s you who is speaking because I`ve convinced myself that you want me to go to hell."

"Well thats a pretty stupid thought to have since it was me who hung on the cross to stop exactly that from happening."

"Yes but when you died, wasnt it to give people a second chance?"

"Hold it . Before you go any further, I give people a second chance, yes , but not just once in their lives I give them a chance each and every day in their lives and what you are refusing to recognize is the fact that it is up to you to take that second chance every day of your life here on Earth as it is given to you. But It seems to me that you dont`t want to because your view of me is not that I am a God of love but a God of hate. When I died on the cross It was eternal- meaning that I crushed sin eternally and opened the door for you to come to me and be cleansed- yes, even after death. Only those who refused to be cleansed will die. I cannot cleanse a persistently unwilling soul but I can cleanse one that brings its self to me , no matter how often it again becomes dirty. I will cleanse it if it comes to me sincerely."

"Well - If this is all true then I`m pretty flabbergasted and all I can ask is will you cleanse me ? Here you are God, this is me."

I still don`t understand it all.