Thursday, June 30, 2005

Nine days and nothing

I am waiting for words to appear and they don`t come. I think God is here looking into me and I don`t know what to say or do. I`m blank.

If only I could show some emotion, even some anger it would surely be better than this cumbersome boredom which is so deep inside me, or I would not supress what needs to come out. Or if I could even pray stupidly, but I don`t because it`s no good, and I don`t want to and I don`t feel like it and I`m sick to death of this.

It seems that I`m falling out of love with someone whose name I won`t mention. I`m hurt and angry that he hasn`t bothered to call of write in the past nine days. He is becoming a memory to me because it seems like so long ago that I saw him. Infact he doesn`t seem real, I mean the whole thing doesn`t seem real- like nothing ever happened. It`s a weird lonely feeling. I`m always lonely. I get some kick out of it. It`s another form of selfish depression.

Chris`s mother is sick in hospital and she left without being signed out by the nurses, only to be found and brought back by police.. Chris doesn`t say much about his mum being sick unless you ask and even then he doesn`t say much. I don`t know if that`s because he doesn`t like talking about it because it hurts or because he`s not used to people listening to him. I think It`s because of the latter reason.

I remember seeing Chris get drunk because Claire nicked off one night when she was sick of not seeing much of him. I don`t really think he was as drunk as he made out, but I do think, that in any case, he needed to let out alot of tension. It`s too easy for people to place the Chris`s of this world on pedestools, and be blind to their humaness. I was glad that I saw Chris a bit pissed. I would like to support him but I don`t know how.

What bugs me about myself is the fact that that I don`t know how to be a Christian and I`m always saying " I don`t know how , I don`t know what I don`t know", but I never, or hardly ever ask God how or what or when or even why? It`s pretty stupid, really.

Getting back to Chris, I just realised that I said I would like to support him,but said nothing about Claire or Luke or Kimberley. The truth is i don`t know how to support any of them except pray for them, and I don`t even do that. When I say to myself I`ll pray for someone, I never do. Perhaps It would help if I stopped trying to make myself feel better by trying to make myself feel worse, because Im just being slack.

The only way to get something done is to do it.