Sunday, June 26, 2005

Troy has gone.

Troy hasn`t rang or written since he`s been gone (which is six days ago). It`s been going so slow and I miss him less as the days go by, especially since he hasn`t contacted me at all. So, well I might be sounding like 'baby', and yes I am too dependant on him . I`m drunk and have been off my face alot alot since he left, and I can imagine he`ll be over joyed to hear that. I don`t know how to handle this 'stay sober while Im not around' business. I feel doubly worse every time I have a drink when he`s not around.

He is the reason I`m just not going to ever get myself screwed in the sexual sense. I am not going to ever let another guy touch me. This thing with Troy is already fucked up, and I feel like killing myself. But I probably wouldn`t because I`m too gutless, so instead I just walk around feeling like the biggest slut that ever tread the streets of Melbourne. This is the last string I have to, I don`t know- morality I suppose, and I thought he was the first decent guy I`d ever had aside from Gus. But now Gus beats Troy, especially on that score.

I haven`t stopped running from reality, from responsibility and life I guess. We`re all pretty good at running and not facing up to ourselves. I`m just too too scared to stop and stick it through when It gets hard. I`m scared of the world I was born in- I`ve always been scared. Scared of my parents, scared of kids at school, scared of work collegues, men, people I live with, me and now finally- God. So there you go, but now I`m less scared of people and Im more scared of God. People are all on the one level ,pretty low. They`re all selfish weak lying hypocrites. They`re all into masks and games. All sorts of games from politics to crime, from youth training centres to bloody high Anglican churches. We`re all perverts, failures and fools.

Not many people put it over me like they used to. I always manage to find something in them that`s me and I say to myself 'you and I are In the same fucking boat. I know what your caper is.' But I hate them instead of love them for it- with a few exceptions. I suppose the closer they are the more I hate them- but I love them more too.That`s crazy. With people here, I want to just stomp them sometimes till I realise the exact thing I`m upset about is in me, and usually twice as worse.
Far out , being human is a pretty amazing experience. It`s either taken for granted or its way over rated. I don`t know which.

I hear rain on my roof it`s a nice sound when you`re In bed. I can be real to me, I think and that`s something I don`t have to act with myself. But having said that sometimes you can convince yourself that you`re on to the real thing when In actual fact, you`re ten billion miles away from it,and you wouldn`t realize it when it hits you in the face.

Troy is stuck in his own caper. I almost think it would be cruel to make him come out because he may snap in two. It would have to come from his own realization.

I`m really tired- I`m always tired now. I can`t be bothered trying. If I were completely mad, then I could at least enjoy being a slack bag but I`m only partly mad and therefore I am experiencing the worst kind of madness there is- I`m not oblivious to the madness of myself, and it`s pretty bloody hopeless.