FEELINGS

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Troy has gone.

Troy hasn`t rang or written since he`s been gone (which is six days ago). It`s been going so slow and I miss him less as the days go by, especially since he hasn`t contacted me at all. So, well I might be sounding like 'baby', and yes I am too dependant on him . I`m drunk and have been off my face alot alot since he left, and I can imagine he`ll be over joyed to hear that. I don`t know how to handle this 'stay sober while Im not around' business. I feel doubly worse every time I have a drink when he`s not around.

He is the reason I`m just not going to ever get myself screwed in the sexual sense. I am not going to ever let another guy touch me. This thing with Troy is already fucked up, and I feel like killing myself. But I probably wouldn`t because I`m too gutless, so instead I just walk around feeling like the biggest slut that ever tread the streets of Melbourne. This is the last string I have to, I don`t know- morality I suppose, and I thought he was the first decent guy I`d ever had aside from Gus. But now Gus beats Troy, especially on that score.

I haven`t stopped running from reality, from responsibility and life I guess. We`re all pretty good at running and not facing up to ourselves. I`m just too too scared to stop and stick it through when It gets hard. I`m scared of the world I was born in- I`ve always been scared. Scared of my parents, scared of kids at school, scared of work collegues, men, people I live with, me and now finally- God. So there you go, but now I`m less scared of people and Im more scared of God. People are all on the one level ,pretty low. They`re all selfish weak lying hypocrites. They`re all into masks and games. All sorts of games from politics to crime, from youth training centres to bloody high Anglican churches. We`re all perverts, failures and fools.

Not many people put it over me like they used to. I always manage to find something in them that`s me and I say to myself 'you and I are In the same fucking boat. I know what your caper is.' But I hate them instead of love them for it- with a few exceptions. I suppose the closer they are the more I hate them- but I love them more too.That`s crazy. With people here, I want to just stomp them sometimes till I realise the exact thing I`m upset about is in me, and usually twice as worse.
Far out , being human is a pretty amazing experience. It`s either taken for granted or its way over rated. I don`t know which.

I hear rain on my roof it`s a nice sound when you`re In bed. I can be real to me, I think and that`s something I don`t have to act with myself. But having said that sometimes you can convince yourself that you`re on to the real thing when In actual fact, you`re ten billion miles away from it,and you wouldn`t realize it when it hits you in the face.

Troy is stuck in his own caper. I almost think it would be cruel to make him come out because he may snap in two. It would have to come from his own realization.

I`m really tired- I`m always tired now. I can`t be bothered trying. If I were completely mad, then I could at least enjoy being a slack bag but I`m only partly mad and therefore I am experiencing the worst kind of madness there is- I`m not oblivious to the madness of myself, and it`s pretty bloody hopeless.

4 Comments:

  • At Wednesday, June 29, 2005 4:45:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Consise, I don't really understand all you're going through but I wanted to say, hang in there!
    Please don't give up on life, or yourself.
    Call someone, anyone, to talk to. You need to stop beating yourself up! Don't give up!

     
  • At Wednesday, June 29, 2005 11:08:00 PM, Blogger BlindSlim~CSTL said…

    Wow, I wish I had an easy answer for you. This man is tearing you down in every way imaginable it seems. I know how important it is to be together for the kids and how much love him, but I hope that at some point, you start to be a little selfish and take care of you. If he drives you to the point of losing interest in life itself, the kids will be far worse off. I agree with you that we are all full of shit in many ways, but never give up on life.

    Steve

     
  • At Thursday, June 30, 2005 4:42:00 AM, Blogger Butik said…

    That was quiet a vent. I love being able to vent in my blog...as for now rest might do you good inside.

    You are lucky btw because I have always been afraid of the sound of the rain in my roof especially when they get so loud. I dont know why

     
  • At Monday, October 03, 2005 9:30:00 AM, Blogger becky said…

    Hi Consise... I just read your entry and you sound so sad and upset and everything in between... I hope things are better now, but from the looks of it, it may take a while for you to feel that way. I sure hope you are OK. Did he finally return home? did you ever hear from him? maybe you did since this entry and I just didnt read further enough. I just hope you are doing better. Please email me and let me know.

     

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