Thursday, June 09, 2005

Inner thoughts..

It`s been a long time since I`ve kept a diary and i think I`ve almst forgotten how to keep one. The last one I had I burnt after three long agonizing years when I was 20. They were long years. That diary had alot of pain. But the pain I remember was nothing in comparison with the pain of now , and I regret burning it. It was a memory of my time when I first left home to go and live on campus to complete my degree. The truth Is.. it was getting in the way of my studying and exams and I needed to burn it to get away from it permanently and focus on what needed to be done in order to create a future in my chosen field.

About a year ago a single mother from Kensington Flats jumped off a high rise building from the 12th storey and died. Although I couldn`t cry for her as I didn`t really know her that well ( we met a few times regarding legal matters), I did empathise with her. At times I can empathise with anybody who wants to end this crazy stinking life.

Is It this life that is crazy ? Is it this life that stinks or is life purely an individual thing where it`s good or bad according to the individual and the way they handle it ? Personally right now , I think life basically stinks .

My outlook on life , God and people and I guess on every bloody thing has become in the last 24 months or so cynical pessimistic morbid and cold. Eight times out of ten I see the negative of a situation before the good. I feel so horribly sorry for myself . I don`t pray and see God as a horrid monster pointing his big judgemental finger at me. I despise being alone with myself at night because I just sit there thinking about it.. not getting anywhere and wishing I had the guts to do what that woman from Kensington did. What I should be wishing for is the guts to love God and life again

But It`s me! It`s me that I hate . It has becoame so bad that I`ve convinced myself that God must hate it too. If God hates it then what hope do I have of ever being able to love..the way I once did.

God I have to find you through this murky dirty haze of hatred and self pity.I have to find my meaning in you as I never have before. Just what is my purpose besides representing the lowest form of scum in our diabolical society ?

If I can or if I am able to put my past away for a moment - may I ask you what do you want from me ? What plans do you have for my miserrable existance ? I often don`t know what I`m supposed to be doing with myself.

The thought just came into my head that I am simply being asked to to stay here and learn to love the people already around me - this household...my husband who`s caused me such grief... the children I bear to him, collegues, friends and others in this community perhaps...That is a big ask of me right at this present moment.

O.k next question. How am I supposed to love them?
"Stop giving into your own weaknesses and you will be starting to care about some of them that way. Give your weakness to me - I will use them for the good but if you persist in keeping them from me then you will really blow it !"

Are these real answers ? Is that really God speaking ?
How do I give my weaknesses to you ? Do I simply rattle off my weaknesses and say "Here you are , God - these are my weaknesses ! "

No I dont want just your weaknesses - I also want your strengths ( you mean I have some ? ) and capabilities and your wants, needs, thoughts, basically I want everything. I want you to give yourself to me each day and say " Here you are ,God- this is me ! ".

"Yes, I made you, and I want It all back. "

" But I`m selfish and find this difficult to do, and In any case - I really don`t know if it`s you who is speaking because I`ve convinced myself that you want me to go to hell."

"Well thats a pretty stupid thought to have since it was me who hung on the cross to stop exactly that from happening."

"Yes but when you died, wasnt it to give people a second chance?"

"Hold it . Before you go any further, I give people a second chance, yes , but not just once in their lives I give them a chance each and every day in their lives and what you are refusing to recognize is the fact that it is up to you to take that second chance every day of your life here on Earth as it is given to you. But It seems to me that you dont`t want to because your view of me is not that I am a God of love but a God of hate. When I died on the cross It was eternal- meaning that I crushed sin eternally and opened the door for you to come to me and be cleansed- yes, even after death. Only those who refused to be cleansed will die. I cannot cleanse a persistently unwilling soul but I can cleanse one that brings its self to me , no matter how often it again becomes dirty. I will cleanse it if it comes to me sincerely."

"Well - If this is all true then I`m pretty flabbergasted and all I can ask is will you cleanse me ? Here you are God, this is me."

I still don`t understand it all.


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