FEELINGS

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Will

We are the same and I don`t think you even know it Troy. We are both afraid and we try not to show it and I`m sure you are tired and so am I. So there`s only one thing you and I can do and that is to hold eachother.

Tell me what you need, dont be afraid to express it all to me. You must already know that I`ll never leave you although it must seem at times from my distant presence that I do want to. Just hold on to me like you are doing when we apart...I still feel together. I still believe in a thing called forever.

We are drifting apart...this is true and all the fragments of my life the pieces of my soul are falling and driven towards you...definately with you. In my dreams we drive away where no one can find us and leave all those dark days behind us. It`s always you.. never can be any one else. I`m sorry you feel differently when I didn`t argue my point like I usually do and appeared to go along with your suggestion . I was feeling pain my self from the destruction and poison such a suggestion would do to our union. I was only human, and had my own personal problem with it too.

I know I often lead in our union and appear as the 'tougher' one at times somewhat cool and heartless, totally level headed about situations happening around us , but this thing between us has caused me to feel what I probably knew all along would injure me inside. Conflict to such a point it`s causing us to become distant which I can`t say I`ve ever felt with you before. The expressed inability to kiss you is some thing buried deep within my psyche. I don`t believe I have lost my will but at times I do question it. I think I have built a wall of sound around me hearing only what my thoughts are and although im sure you know I love you, do I still have the will ?

15 Comments:

  • At Friday, September 30, 2005 10:26:00 PM, Blogger Eric Gehler said…

    You do express youself very clearly. I hope you can say those things directly to your partner, and he has the ears to hear and the eyes to see, and the heart to feel, and the mind to open up and realize your sincerity.

    :)

     
  • At Saturday, October 01, 2005 1:44:00 AM, Blogger BlindSlim~CSTL said…

    You have an incredible ability to express yourself and your feelings with regard to your relationship. If only I had that same ability, I might be able to sustain a relationship. I can't offer any advice because I'm just as bad as Troy is.

     
  • At Saturday, October 01, 2005 5:18:00 AM, Blogger Colleen Vesperman said…

    Hello Consise10,

    Very strong feelings and emotions you are always feeling and expressing.

    You hang onto what and whom you know and feel to be important and necessary. If you feel committed, but unable to express it to him right now, it's probably because all your energy is devoted to keeping it together, rather than spreading your energy into expresing it with Troy right now.

    I believe that if you were to expend some of the energy that you are using to keep all your aspects of your life together, and put it in the direction of HIS needs,YOU would probably fall apart.

    And if that were to happen, what good would you be for anyone? Your self? Your children? Other friends or family? Your career that fills you with conflict?

    I can tell you are a "rock of Gilbrater." But, if you don't have the "WILL" to express this to your husband right now. Then, the openly expressed feelings of love and devotion that you have expressed to him in the past will have to do.

    I'm married too and I don't always have time to hold my husband's hand and play "mommy loves you," because I'm too filled with responsibilities and keeping everyone together as well. Sometimes it is our husbands' turn to either become more responsible and or accountable in the marriage so that we wives aren't so burdened and overwhelmed.

    My therapist that I see, is always reminding me that responsibility does not equal power in a relationship! It has taken me too many years to realize this truth.

    Troy in my opinion, according to how you have described him, sounds like he needs to put forth more of a contribution in your marriage, and then maybe you would have the time and the energy to be able to be both verbally and physically able to express your love and devotion to him.

    Hang in there! I think if you could make a copy of "WILL" for him and gave it to him, maybe his intepretation of your actions might become clearer to him. YOu express yourself so well and vivid, at least in print, that he would have to lack a "heart beat" not to moved in some way. Try it why not?

    Thank you again for reading my Blog. I felt myself getting alittle weird in that last one about sleep. It could have something to do with that I'm suffering from a bad case of "sleep deprivation."

    Bye for now friend.

    Colleen

     
  • At Saturday, October 01, 2005 6:36:00 AM, Blogger charles blunt said…

    Hi , The first 40 years are the hardest .The next 40 get a little easier . Anybody who can express themselfs as well as you can't loose .Good luck

     
  • At Sunday, October 02, 2005 1:21:00 AM, Blogger Syren said…

    Consise,
    You expressed so much of what I am feeling. Your words are like a mirror to my thoughts.

     
  • At Sunday, October 02, 2005 1:22:00 AM, Blogger Tenderheart said…

    Very heartfelt, Concise. I've been there a time or two myself..*sigh.
    Thank you for sharing. :)

     
  • At Sunday, October 02, 2005 10:06:00 AM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Hi Everyone.

    Eric..thankyou for being so perceptive, please feel welcomed here again.

    Blindslim. Thanks for your comments..and yes I know you are 'just as bad' as Troy...It must be what I attract!...I hope you know how much I value your online friendship .

    Lol Charles..Lmoa ! Is that supposed to make me look forward to it all ?

    Siren...Thanks for visisting.I`m not exactly glad that you can relate here but I`m happy to see you have read and responded..and also glad that you have provided a link to your blog...which I was missing recently from my tours of the blogs I frequent. Please feel welcomed here again Syren.

    Tenderheart...I guess many can relate to the raw human emotion depicted here. I thankyou for showing interest and please do feel welcomed here again

    Colleen. Your words amaze me. You have an incredible knack for breaking things down and detailing what is probably written between the lines. Most of what you have said here is very pertinent to my situation and helps me see it clearly as you write it.

    Your interest in me and this blog is most appreciated.It`s providing impetus for seeing things in a differing light, which helps break the gridlock my thoughts can have on my mind.

     
  • At Monday, October 03, 2005 10:48:00 PM, Blogger freesprited said…

    hay!!!!
    Like lateralbuzz said "Let the force be with you."
    I do understand when you love someone, everything else seems trivial.
    hope things get better for you and Troy.
    Thanks! for visiting my blog.
    c ya
    :)

     
  • At Tuesday, October 04, 2005 1:57:00 AM, Blogger Butik said…

    how very sad...I hope you find what your heart trully says and have the courage to follow it.

     
  • At Tuesday, October 04, 2005 4:05:00 PM, Blogger KiTrEeNa said…

    consise, wow.. you are always expressing yourself so clearly.. I like that about you. I wish I could be more like you in that way. I hope you find what you are looking for in your relationships.. its hard sometimes.. but keep hope and hold on to your faith.. things will pull throu..

     
  • At Tuesday, October 04, 2005 9:13:00 PM, Blogger Eric Gehler said…

    Thank your for your hospitality :)

     
  • At Wednesday, October 05, 2005 8:53:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Freespirited thankyou for your comments and I agree that at times everything does seem trivial when feelings are so overwhelming.

    Butik your ongoing interest in me is very touching...thankyou.

    Kitreena. Thanks for your encouragement,I really appreciate it.

    Eric you are quite welcome!

     
  • At Thursday, October 06, 2005 1:35:00 PM, Blogger Colleen Vesperman said…

    Hello Concise10,

    Thank you for encouraging thoughts. It's something that I'm learning that I have to find a way to cope with my feelings of shock that this even happened. At times I have feelings of numbness or shock or disbelief to get through some days. I guess it wouldn't hurt so much if my mother wasn't interfering again with my ability to communicate with her.

    Yet, I do get through my days the best that I can do because I have five other chidren that I'm expected to be their "ROCK." And unfortunately, my husband is a dear man, but he is not there for me as an "equal" partner.

    I am all the strength in this family and I'm scared because I feel myself crumbling.

    But, that's one of the reasons I Blog, it's theapeutic and kind people like YOU can really make a difference in my day, just by listening. Maybe we should call ourselves "sounding boards" for each other.

    Thank you again for visiting and commenting on my Blog. You really matter to me.

    Colleen

    www.colleenvesperman.com

     
  • At Thursday, October 06, 2005 6:24:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Your participation on my blog is very appreciated and although I`m not exactly happy to hear the news about about your mother and your eldest daughter all I can probably offer are kind words of support and a listening ear, which is a great reason to blog like we are.

    Hang in there Colleen.

     
  • At Sunday, October 09, 2005 2:39:00 PM, Blogger Tenderheart said…

    Beautifully written, concise.

     

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