Axes

I have alot on my mind and feel chained by the heaviness of what i know. Is there any way to free my mind of such axes which make me all aware to the point of madness ?

As i sit here and continue to ponder on my life and all that I have done so far I ask myself the question, to who has it been beneficial ? While i serve as a participant in this world have I done any good ? Im not talking about crusades here, just what I have done. I represent the worse kind of human beings all in the name of 'justice'. The victims are often left out wet and cold with the pain caused by the sorts I represent. I dont see that as entirely noteworthy, yet its what I do.

In my personal self I struggle with issues concerning my own behaviour towards my marital union with Troy. Although things are looking back on track with us I suffer from feeling like im two personas in some sense.I continue to reflect on what i did during that rather angry time . I wish I didnt do it ! why was i not strong enough to say no ? I am so resolute in many ways on many issues I know where i stand and what to say and do very well yet unable to reject what I instantly knew would kill me deep inside. The duality in my nature is some thing I struggle to accept and understand.
In my darkest hour I feel like im just differing shades of grey, and at worse times dead. Without my children I often question what would be left for me in this realm ? They have an incredible ability to bring out a side in me which reflects positivity and meaning. My mind ponders whether or not God resides in them ? Perhaps this is Gods way of getting through to me.