FEELINGS

Friday, September 09, 2005

Sick and Torn

A few years ago our team took on a client who was placed within the juvenile justice system for scrutiny, where he received formal police cautioning amongst other systems in place to repay his 'debt' to society. I wasn`t shoked to day to see that exact same person come before our team once again- only this time his wrongdoing is alot more severe.

Apparently he killed some poor fellow by running him over a few times in a car. He did it on purpose and he doesnt feel too hassled by the fact that he took some ones life away in such a callous, gutless way. It`s probably all part of his game, and its a game which is destroying his own life as well as the lives of others too.

But then who am I to talk ? There are some things I can never forget that I have done to other people and all in the name of living for my self, and what does it matter any way in our darkest hour we are all just shades of grey.All I can say to that scumbag right now is , when the curtains close you will be suffering despair you can never imagine. It will be hell on earth for you when you finally face yourself and I pity you for when you discover that , you`re as good as dead.

It leaves me feeling kind of sick. Even though it`s not my role to judge, when I think about the things our clients all do and we represent them, It leaves me feeling at the bottom of the heap. Especially at night when my thoughts dominate and i cant escape the hold of the darkness I find myself in.

During my earlier years as a student I had a glamourous view of what it meant to represent the criminal and although I mostly deal with juveniles who require a great need for what I can do..occassionally we come across screwey nutters. My collegues all seem cold to what they are representing and I guess I`m the same. I have to be like that in order to escape the hell caused by these types.

It really gets to me, in quieter moments, which is a big reason why I feel like a separated soul. I put on a face professionally and another in my personal self. It`s at moments like these I`m torn and I don`t think I can do it for much more.

14 Comments:

  • At Thursday, September 08, 2005 11:34:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

     
  • At Friday, September 09, 2005 3:53:00 AM, Blogger Silvergirl said…

    ^ Uh, oh, a spammer! ^

    I guess there are certain jobs that require you to not feel much as you are doing them, just to get through it.

    I hope your day gets better!

     
  • At Friday, September 09, 2005 6:14:00 AM, Blogger BlindSlim~CSTL said…

    I hate fucking spammers. Anyway, you have a very tough job and while you do have to defend them to the best of your ability, it definitely doesn't mean you have to like them. Here are some good vibes just to make you feel better daily cause there aren't many of us who could do what you do.

    *cstL*

     
  • At Monday, September 12, 2005 4:29:00 PM, Blogger AirForce#1 said…

    what is this fuckin shit, dont u hav a life , dont u get your husband doesnt love u. ur just sick in the head u might aswell start slashing your wrists the way ur goin. anyone who disagrees with me go to my blog and c what a fun life is like ->->-> www.bigmacburger.blogspot.com (leave a comment)

     
  • At Monday, September 12, 2005 6:59:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Hello Airforce#1.
    Thankyou for commenting on my blog. While I am fine about your comments I wish you would refer to the content of the post at hand.

    Your comments here are some what irrelevant and you have also posted the same comments on many my previous blog entries. Infact I think your repetitive use of words and lack of ability to reply with any accuracy about the content of the post at hand reflects your intelligence.

    You have been great for a laugh. Please feel welcomed here again !

     
  • At Thursday, September 15, 2005 3:25:00 AM, Blogger Butik said…

    I live it day by day hoping each day that it will be better trying to accept that I am not perfect that I cannot control things and that I choose to be happy.
    Watching the movie The Hours by Nicole Kidman might help you too

     
  • At Thursday, September 15, 2005 2:59:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    You are very perceptive indeed. Thank you for dropping by and I really appreciate your comments Butik.

     
  • At Friday, September 23, 2005 12:02:00 AM, Blogger charles blunt said…

    Thank you for visiting my blog. I had to return the favor .I find your blog very interesting and will have to visit again. Will I spend my time making thing out off wood you seem to do well using words.

     
  • At Friday, September 23, 2005 10:42:00 AM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Yes Charles thankyou for visisting, and I too find your creative hands worth watching what they make.

     
  • At Saturday, September 24, 2005 8:33:00 AM, Blogger Gordy said…

    I don't know how you could do that job.
    But I'm very glad you do.
    Thank you.

     
  • At Saturday, September 24, 2005 1:28:00 PM, Blogger Colleen Vesperman said…

    Hello again Consise10,

    I hope you are OK. Haven't seen you post in quite awhile. Although you have been readily responding to your comments section on a regular basis. Looking for a sign that YOU are feeling better or worse. Anyways, thank you for your continuing comments and positive reinforement because I do hope to help people through conversation.

    I'm not to sure about what Holidays are celebrated in Australia, but do you celebrate Halloween or something like it? I was just curious because Halloween will be coming up soon on October 31st and my kids are really getting excited and are planning what costume that each want me to go out buy. Just curious, because I don't know much about other countries and have always wondered how similar or dissimilar life in the US is from other parts of the world.

    Also, how old are your kids?

    My range from 6 months to 16 years and the others are 2 1/2, 5 1/2, 9 1/2, and 13 1/2 and all of them can be quite a handle at various times. But, the worst times are when all 6 of them decide to act up or gang up on mom at the same time. Regardless, I love them all oh so very much.

    Well, I have to go for now and I'll probably be stopping in tomorrow to either check for your comment returns and hopefully to see a new blog from you.

    Take care! :)

    www.colleenvesperman.com

     
  • At Monday, September 26, 2005 5:34:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Hey Gordy, thanks for dropping by and commenting,its much appreciated .

    Hello Colleen.
    I have posted a reply to your Email address. Have you recieved it ?

     
  • At Friday, November 25, 2005 7:08:00 PM, Blogger cheesemeister said…

    I understand where you're coming from. In my line of work there's a need to be detatched from the stronger emotions as well. Some people think I'm callous because I can look at someone who's died or can see a terrible accident and not cry. I'm a trained EMT. We develop skills to deal with these things. Not that the skills always work, but if they work during an emergency, that's what counts.
    This doesn't mean I'm without emotions. I ponder a lot of crap and I probably feel certain things more deeply than the average person on a lot of levels.
    This post really struck a chord in me. This guy killed someone on purpose and feels no remorse about it. I've been reading this book on the underground black metal subculture that is so popular in Scandinavia. There is a lot of this lack of regard for the lives of others within this group.
    Antisocial personality disorder is perhaps the most frightening of the personality disorders, in my opinion. Certainly, for me, it's the most difficult to understand.
    I think Airforce#1 has a spelling disorder!
    Hang tough, you're a good person.
    Peace,
    The Cheesemeister

     
  • At Saturday, November 26, 2005 4:54:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Hey Cheesemeister,welcome.

    Being involved in emergency medical situations would require a certain level of skill and personal calm on the job. Mental isolation of any personal feeling would have to become second nature I`d say otherwise how could you do the work?

    Interesting what you said about the scandanavian underworld. Fact is, it`s not just confined to one country. Its manifested across all nations creeds and cultures. Crime knows no boundaries.Yes personality disorders are rampantly used to explain why one would venture into causing harm and is a tool used all too often to understand criminal minds.

    As for myself and all this shit well, Im currently battling with a letter of resignation and whether or not I should hand it in.

    Thanks for stopping by and offering such an insighful comment and please feel welcomed here again Cheesemeister.

     

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