Sick and Torn

A few years ago our team took on a client who was placed within the juvenile justice system for scrutiny, where he received formal police cautioning amongst other systems in place to repay his 'debt' to society. I wasn`t shoked to day to see that exact same person come before our team once again- only this time his wrongdoing is alot more severe.

Apparently he killed some poor fellow by running him over a few times in a car. He did it on purpose and he doesnt feel too hassled by the fact that he took some ones life away in such a callous, gutless way. It`s probably all part of his game, and its a game which is destroying his own life as well as the lives of others too.

But then who am I to talk ? There are some things I can never forget that I have done to other people and all in the name of living for my self, and what does it matter any way in our darkest hour we are all just shades of grey.All I can say to that scumbag right now is , when the curtains close you will be suffering despair you can never imagine. It will be hell on earth for you when you finally face yourself and I pity you for when you discover that , you`re as good as dead.

It leaves me feeling kind of sick. Even though it`s not my role to judge, when I think about the things our clients all do and we represent them, It leaves me feeling at the bottom of the heap. Especially at night when my thoughts dominate and i cant escape the hold of the darkness I find myself in.

During my earlier years as a student I had a glamourous view of what it meant to represent the criminal and although I mostly deal with juveniles who require a great need for what I can do..occassionally we come across screwey nutters. My collegues all seem cold to what they are representing and I guess I`m the same. I have to be like that in order to escape the hell caused by these types.

It really gets to me, in quieter moments, which is a big reason why I feel like a separated soul. I put on a face professionally and another in my personal self. It`s at moments like these I`m torn and I don`t think I can do it for much more.