Storms

Well, I guess like the colour of this post....right now I am blue. Recently I spoke to Troy about all I was feeling and going through in our marriage. The reasons why exactly I chose to leave our bed....

He is wanting us to 'get back to a point we once had' which was so beautiful and ideal.
I am not ready to move back into his laps and just be there for him to fuck my brains out. How can i believe him when he tells, me when he holds me, when he kisses me and when he fucks me. I`m not at a level yet where I can just distort my emotions and jump back in to the sack with Troy. Nothing is ever going to be the same. He has taken what we shared and turned it into a storm inside me...where im just not ready nor able emotionally to have sex with him. Since all this occured between us I have come to realise more and more that the physical act of union meant so much more to me than to him. He has a sexual addiction. The act of it all may have ceased ,or so he says, since i decided not to be company to him in our bed...but thats not the entire picture nor problem.

I am not ready, and although at times I just wanna get warm and undressed and be with him something always stops me deep within. We are hugging and I founnd that incredibly difficult at first especially after our talk but now its getting to slowly feel comforting. The act of kissing is incredibly difficult and confronting and I havent gone there for quite a while since I stopped having sex with him. I can tell it`s driving him around the bend as he just wants us back....but Im no ones tool....and certainly arent a machine either to be switched on whenever he pleases. I have discovered that my mental desire to feel comfort with him is greater than the desire to be naked before him doing the act which got him in tangles and caused such a great storm inside.

Above all this may sound like im trying to punish him and although a part of me is screaming....this isn`t about 'him doing this to me'. Its about my need and space to heal, accept change in the best positive way and move forward with a man who has a sexual addiction and is also the blood of me and our children. It`s going to take some time. I was never the type to just screw for the sake of screwing....and don`t believe I can ever adjust that aspect of my self.