Saturday, July 16, 2005

No more !

Troy is wanting to be intimate with me...however I have put a moratorium on us in that way. Its killing me inside that he shares himself with other women...and if its 'only sex' as he says, then I wonder what the hell it is when we are together?

Every time I go to bring it up when we are alone together, I stop like its an ancor caught deep below and can`t be easily released. I`m not usually so unable to communicate. I feel like I`m often two people in the one body.

Part of me is trapped and insecure so deep thinking to a point its beyond reproach. I feel like the blood that rushes around my body is tarnished and slowly poisoning me to death...miserably existant in a world full of shit. Powerless to stop all the hurt I feel. It`s almost like my life is a nemesis..and I deserve to be in it. With Troy it is some what nebulous and I dont know what to say to him or even where to begin. All I know is that Troy, you are the blood of my children and effectively the blood of me....and that blood is like a poison to which I am dying a rather slow death. I gave you my heart and my soul with absolute devotion and you`ve taken that and placed it in a tomb ready for the earth to swallow up. The truth be known Troy, I don`t repose too much confidence in your honesty nor in your promises. What my email friend told me in very simple succinct terms was correct - I dont feel 'comfort' with you Troy. There is no intimacy.

The other person inside me is a complete opposite to the one above. She isn`t afraid and vague..but precise and straight forward, knows what she wants and always goes out and gets it with extreme ability and confidence. Is rather well humoured and able to converse on many levels with people from all walks of life. Is always up for some fun and frolic amongst friends and never ever so intrinsic as the other person. Devoted to her children- where the other isn`t necessarily that way inclined. She is responsible and trustworthy..never ever selfish.

Some times especially more recent, I can`t control exactly which person I am especially when I`m all alone inside the walls of my private mind under the canopy of the dark dark night and my great mate Gin is beside me...helping to null all the pain.

Why do things have to change when hearts still beat the same?


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