Quiet

Well here I find myself again with the same thing on my mind..just cant get it out of my head. Troy and I have been recently back together sleeping in the same bed. The moratorium was good while it lasted, and im only human.

I can`t say exactly how much joy I feel when we are bare together, but to sum it all up It`s just like a drug I need to keep me over the edge...in a realm which is just 'truth enducing' . I can`t sit there and lie about how I feel about him. When I`m fucking him, it`s just so bloody clear to me that it`s he whom I belong to. Ever since I first saw him, some thing deep inside me begged to acknowledge that I wanted him. I have always felt so intense about him and all that we have done and made together that I can`t easily let go...which is probably what i should have done ages ago, but didn`t have the courage. Now we are back to being one connected at the hip.
However not completely. I haven`t been able to kiss his lips. Some thing about it is too confronting...so much so I feel like a weak hypocrite given that I can`t resist him with what I am back doing. It`s quite disfunctional in itself...and I really hate it. But having said that, It feels like I`ve loved him for a rather long time and it`s so good to let him in on the things I could not show...for so long.

When I told Troy I couldn`t take much more of this, he tried to make me forget it by wanting to kiss, but I rejected. Each day I tell myself that something`s wrong..that I have learnt about things that I have never wanted...and feel so helpless and deserted by God. I have changed and there are no signs of the one I knew, no traces what so ever. I am lying very low and feel like going under. My bones are numb when i think about what we could have been and what we have become.

There`s a quieter beat to my heart however and I never let any one hear. I`m sick , I`m tired and I`m lonely now, I can`t seem to heal, but I know I have got to keep trying.