Hesitation
I used to think that I knew what I needed...what we needed.I just assumed that we'd always be fine.Every time I wake from sleep I hesitate as I watch you lying there,wanting to touch you but not acting upon it. It's as if it's all a part of me... It tears at my heart.
Sitting here in the light of the late afternoon,sun warming my back,I'm thinking how we've come to far and all this 'distance' is driving us further and further apart. I know it's my fault. You are all I ever wanted but I'm terrified.
Not having been intimate yet since my return is like something sharp pricking my liver.I feel as though I need to dive for your heart. I want you. Your face above me darkening the moonlight. To feel an intensity coming from inside me... like I have died and ascended upwards.
posted by consise10 @ 3:36 PM
21 Comments:
At Thursday, May 11, 2006 3:46:00 AM,
SuperP. said…
I dare say, I know just how you feel.
At Thursday, May 11, 2006 11:07:00 PM,
consise10 said…
I kind of get the impression that you would penny.Thanks for dropping by.
At Friday, May 12, 2006 6:21:00 AM,
Tim Rice said…
Just stopping by to say, hi, and let you know I haven't forgotten you. Not sure I have much else to say at this time.
At Friday, May 12, 2006 6:24:00 AM,
Tim Rice said…
Just stopping by to say, hi, and let you know I haven't forgotten you. Not sure I have much else to say at this time.
At Friday, May 12, 2006 10:25:00 AM,
Minka said…
yep...speaking right to me. Pushed many away with my own problems. Sometimes it´s just easier to find fault with others than look in a mirriw and see teh scar!
But we are capable of learning...thank God for that ;)
At Friday, May 12, 2006 3:00:00 PM,
Cie Cheesemeister said…
It's beautiful and poetic. And I can't stand ever feeling like that again! Takes a level of courage I simply don't possess.
I admire that you have the level of courage to share feelings of this depth.
At Saturday, May 13, 2006 3:52:00 AM,
Tonnie said…
I want to share something with you and it is much on my own experience of hurt and betrayal. I don't know much of your whole story but I just felt lead to share about my path to forgiveness and letting go of some things. You have visited my blog once before, which lead me here. Please don't take this any other way than just a bit of myself I am passing onto you. I am no way an expert…I am just a woman on a journey.
Many years I carried hurt and un-forgiveness ( from things when I was younger) and it had cost me in my relationships, mostly trusting people. I felt I finally work through all of that when the most important relationship in my life, besides God, hurt me to the core and I felt so betrayed and lied to. First off, I will tell you I have faith in God and I do believe He died on the cross for my sins and through that I have been able begin the process to forgive. I believe it is a process and not just an act we do,it take time and we have to allow ourselves to work through it.
I have not decided yet if this act of betrayal will end my marriage or not, it all depends on him changing behaviors that got here in the first place, but either way I need to come to a place of forgiveness. Not for him as much but for myself. I believe God is only one that can hold judgment and once my husband asked God for forgiveness then he was forgiven, now he is responsible to change his behaviors. By letting go of the offense does not what so ever clear him or make everything all good again like nothing ever happened, but it does open the door to reconcile. I do understand the part of wanting to be so close and intimate but hesitant. We love so much...yet it can also hurt so much because we love so much.
I have had friends that have been through some of the same things and their marriage has survived it but it took a lot of work on both parts to do it and they have even said that their marriage is stronger than it was ever before. Like I said we are a work in progress, and by no means do I have all of this figured out and I am scared, angry, hurt…but I do have hope. I am praying for you.
At Saturday, May 13, 2006 1:00:00 PM,
consise10 said…
Hello tim...big smiles here!(:-))
Hey minka..the problem is not so much seeing the scar as is the mask which covers it.Thanks for dropping in.
cheesemeister,sharing these aspects of my thoughts on this annonymous medium does have it's rewards.It enables me to view how I think and documenting a particular strong emotional part of 'me' which other wise isn't visible or lies beneath the surface if you like, in my real world.Especially when I relate it to my chosen field and what I do.
'Courage' yea probably.. to admit such things and make them concrete.
I'm sorry you to have pain.It's called the 'fucking human condition'! Thanks for dropping by.
Tonnie,firstly welcome to my space.You have shared a huge part of yourself here for which I want you know I greatly appreciate and respect. Firstly,I don't have a positive relationship with this 'almighty forgiving' guy in the clouds. For me God is bitter and non existant.While i do respect and understand your point of total trust in him I am not able to share the same sentiments as your self on that one.That may sound harsh to you I realise but I want you to understand that in NO way am I belittling your faith."I" just dont feel it.
Tonnie,I'm starting to feel that im reaching a point within me where I'm able to face forgiveness in relation to what has transpired between him and I.But there are things about the way that I've been living where I'm not able to broach that side of me and perhaps feel even more harshly about than what I have been through in this documented journey.
I want you to know that i feel priveliged to have you share a small part of yourself here,as i do often feel with alot of the regular readers who choose to share elements of themselves.
Thanks for dropping by.
At Sunday, May 14, 2006 6:13:00 PM,
Autumn Storm said…
You write with such emotion, such honesty and your pain is palpable. As I said, 2-3 posts down, at some point and soon, you need to make a decision and really it is a decision, but it takes so much more to put it into practise, I'm not sure all of us are capable of it, just letting go of all the accompanying emotions, disappointment, anger, but most of all hurt, it's so very difficult to let go of hurt, but it is possible - I'm not comparing, nor am I speaking from my own experience here, but from watching others do it, forgiving things that I am not sure I would ever be able to. But you have the biggest thing going for you, you want to, and with that desire, you will find a way to work through it and to get past the pain.
At Sunday, May 14, 2006 9:02:00 PM,
consise10 said…
Autumn,the decision has already been made.These feelings are just here and can't easily be shaken.Actions speak louder but what Is relayed in this post hasn't yet become concrete due mostly to the 'fence' I have built around me...and I HATE it!
Thanks for your perspective Autumn and i like the way your ideas flow. ;>)
At Tuesday, May 16, 2006 1:25:00 AM,
Anonymous said…
Check your mail!
At Tuesday, May 16, 2006 10:52:00 AM,
Anonymous said…
consise dear, i have not disappeared off the face of the earth, contrary to popular belief. been writing my latest entry for way too long now, and i must see it through to the end. perhaps it'll be finished tomorrow morn (16th May). we'll see. i miss reading your site, and I apologise for not doing so for awhile... i trust you are well.
At Tuesday, May 16, 2006 11:04:00 AM,
consise10 said…
Ok, will do annon.
Greyor mate.It's alright.. not meaning to place you under any stress, just like reading your essays from time to time that's all. 'Dear' I am not, but that does make me chuckle.
Thanks for dropping by (;->)
At Saturday, May 20, 2006 3:30:00 AM,
Anonymous said…
yes, I am in San Francisco. currently I live on campus at San Francisco State, but I'm going to be moving downtown in a month or so after I spend some time back home in Oregon. I bloody love SF.. hehe.
At Saturday, May 20, 2006 12:00:00 PM,
consise10 said…
That must be the university you speak of,ok, now I'm with you Grey. S.F does have the reputation of being a very exciting place to be.
At Saturday, May 20, 2006 12:41:00 PM,
Scipio said…
It has been a long time since I have felt the passion that you express, whether for better or for worse.
Thank you for the kind comments you left in my blog.
At Saturday, May 20, 2006 5:43:00 PM,
consise10 said…
Thanks for dropping by scipio.What I liked about your writing was the slant on certain Greek vocabulary and the post on Platona and reference to his "cave theory". Your style is quite unique...I do like that. :-]
At Sunday, May 21, 2006 7:37:00 AM,
grey matters said…
hi. just read your entry from may 10 and can relate.
hope it gets easier--for both of us.
At Sunday, May 21, 2006 11:04:00 AM,
consise10 said…
Yes, no harm in 'hoping',thanks for dropping by c'est le nec plus ultra. [:-}
At Monday, May 22, 2006 4:09:00 PM,
Lisa said…
Couples seem to have alot of phases of being close and then falling apart. We've had that in our relationship too. Its tough to learn how to get back that closeness after a period of time when you've felt so far away from each other both mentally and physically...
I hope you both are able to be candid about your feelings and find a peaceful, happy place.
At Monday, May 22, 2006 6:40:00 PM,
consise10 said…
I know I have been more distant than ever fighting every little push and move toward him somewhere deep inside me where a place of peace is present.But some developments have taken place since this shit was expressed lisa.You are correct.No ones relationship is *PERFECTO*,and it's through such trials that we are able to learn more about ourselves and the ways in which we react to given situations.
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