FEELINGS

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Feeling an absence

Finally back at last. This trip has given me room to think and see you in another light. It`s true that we haven't found eachother in a long time, and even though we`ve been down, I still feel a connection beyond words.

Weeks have passed and we didn`t do much talking,however in your writing I`m seeing a different side to you.I don't see the man I know,or at least I thought I knew.Vulnerabilities within the drums of freedom have surfaced.

Being away these past weeks I cast my mind to the many faces I was with,and at the time I remember often being distracted by the vision of you. In the dead of the night,within the cradle of my mind I could feel your hands everywhere all over me and under my skin. And In the hush of the night I can still forgive and want you back to a point we once were, but as the day dawns I'm faced with brighter light and I'm pulled back to reality with the lingering thought of you in the nights passing.

One thing that struck me being physically absent from you, was how easy it had become to pretend.Amongst strangers, I could easily assume the role of single woman with child. But deep within I was only half present.My little girl nowhere to be seen or found. Honesty became such a great challenge, at which I often chose to mask.

I don`t believe I ever lost the feeling but I have been letting everything else build up and all around me like cobwebs protecting the love from the tears in my heart.

There is more.....

15 Comments:

  • At Wednesday, May 03, 2006 4:37:00 AM, Blogger Jeanne said…

    I like this new format, btw.

    There's an expression in Swedish, hjärnspöken, which means brain-ghosts. It's things you can convince yourself are important but which are only illusions. I feel like the problems that arise in a relationship as a result of accumulated crap and missunderstanding are only there in a certain light (or shadow). Shake your head and they are gone. What's left is the solidness that IS the connection, no matter how much time has passed or how much confusion has temporarily taken hold.
    If that is applicable.

    I'm glad you're back.

     
  • At Wednesday, May 03, 2006 9:15:00 AM, Blogger Tim Rice said…

    I'm listening; but I think I need to hear your "more" before I think about commenting.

    Welcome back!

     
  • At Wednesday, May 03, 2006 4:16:00 PM, Blogger Blondie said…

    Hmm I'll have to apologise Concise for not knowing if the little girl is a metaphor or real?

    Last weekend I related more than a little to the bed-ghost. Convincing myself that it is my libido talking not my heart. Not working so far.

     
  • At Wednesday, May 03, 2006 9:17:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Jeanne,I see your point,about it all being in my head,and yes it all exists within the walls of my being.I find at times virtually impossible to just "shake" off what has precipitated between him and I and the way I feel when its just me and him in a complete state of nakedness,where everything becomes visible and I mean not just what's on the skins surface but beyond that. I like your analogy of light and shade,and I appreciate your interest and imput.

    Wait for it Tim.

    Blondie...welcome.The little girl isn't a metaphor. She stayed here with him while I took the little boy whos a bit older than her with me to Europe to escape from my situation for some distance and time to figure out what i want.

    Ha ha haaaaaa...God your next comment made me laugh.Why do we even allow our libidos to speak !!

     
  • At Wednesday, May 03, 2006 11:07:00 PM, Blogger Minka said…

    Oh, I hear you. I am glad ther eis more and I am glad you are back.

     
  • At Wednesday, May 03, 2006 11:17:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Thanks minka.

     
  • At Thursday, May 04, 2006 5:42:00 AM, Blogger Jeanne said…

    I didn't mean you should shake off what IS, I meant you should shake off the crap. In case you didn't understand.

     
  • At Thursday, May 04, 2006 10:06:00 AM, Blogger consise10 said…

    I wish I could just delete every piece of fucking shit in my mind.

     
  • At Friday, May 05, 2006 2:02:00 AM, Blogger Jeanne said…

    I know the feeling.

     
  • At Saturday, May 06, 2006 7:10:00 AM, Blogger charles blunt said…

    Welcome back .I like your new format .

     
  • At Saturday, May 06, 2006 9:25:00 AM, Blogger consise10 said…

    How nice of you.Thanks Charlie!

     
  • At Sunday, May 07, 2006 5:14:00 PM, Blogger Autumn Storm said…

    It sounds so difficult.

    I'm having a 'bad comment day' kinda like a bad hair day, so you shall have to forgive me if it's all b*ll*cks, anyway...
    Time apart seems to have given you the opportunity to look at things/him from a new perspective, which is always a good thing, not least in situations where we are so close to the events. "I still feel a connection beyond words." says it all really, so much easier said than done, but at some point soon it seems like you need to make the decision, either or, to forgive or to not forgive, this in between thing will destroy anything good that is left and it is gradually chopping your heart up into little pieces. Besides, sometimes, often rather, the decision is out of our hands, we may want to but can't or we may want to give it all up but can't and in those cases we need to find the way to live with it, accept it.
    "protecting the love from the tears in my heart." I know that feeling, I'm so sorry, you feel that way. Hugs!!

     
  • At Sunday, May 07, 2006 9:46:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    We have yet too be intimate since my return.It's very difficult Autumn.All I really want is for us to be stripped bare without barrier.In such a state I cannot hide. Everything becomes visible.I havent properly kissed his lips nor looked carefully into his eyes.I need to feel his body close to mine but I resist him.I miss that connection and I need it.Yet I maintain distance,and at times I don't understand why I fight it.As you have stated my 'heart is being chopped' through my own intensity and introspection mostly.I have always thought in a way that was "circular" no out.But you are right a decision needs to be made. You sound as though you have been through hoops yourself,and I thankyou for giving your kind and wise view.

     
  • At Sunday, May 07, 2006 11:51:00 PM, Blogger Autumn Storm said…

    There are obviously reasons why you do that, though you do not choose it on any conscious level, and though it takes you farther from where you want to be, sometimes it seems as though we are completely unable to control our own behaviour no matter how much we would want to, but the truth is, if we just let go of everything (and therein can lie the impossibility) we would know just what to do to change it, to get to where we want to be. I think, you will find a way, it's what you are doing in part here, you want to change things and you want what you could share with him bad enough to eventually force your own hand or to let your hand be forced. I read somewhere the other day something that I almost shook my head at but that I feel I should pass onto you now "In the end, everything will be okay, if it's not okay, it's not the end."
    Take care, xo

     
  • At Tuesday, May 09, 2006 10:06:00 AM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Thanks autumn.If it were only so easy.

     

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