FEELINGS

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Contradictions


Contradictions. Why?

Battle within
cracks
fragments
break
smash
armour
all around
my
vital
organs.

Rip
out
my
uteris
slash
it to bits!

Resolute
decided
unsure.

Hear me
touch me
smell me
taste me.

Sick poison.

Destruction.

Sickened
by the
existence
of my life.

Deserve
not to have
sunshine.

Nor God.

Choking
can`t breathe.

Darkness
becomes me.

Too many
shades of grey.

Too many faces
lost count.

Lost hope.

Desire to cut
this skin
and rinse this
ugly blood.

The desire
like a virus
is my last
hope.

Intoxicated
consumed.

No relief
nothing.

Little creatures
keep me
grounded

for now.


posted by consise10 @ 10:26 AM  

32 Comments:

  • At Saturday, December 10, 2005 9:03:00 PM, Blogger E in Oz said…

    Not being patronising, and this is not something I'd normally leave as a blog comment, but check this link out and then go and buy her book "You Can Heal Your Life".

    http://louisehay.wwwhubs.com/

    And go to a doctor Consise...you don't need to deal with stuff on your own.

     

  • At Saturday, December 10, 2005 11:16:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Thanks for the link and advise Kalliope. I am seeing some one and have been for around a year now.
    Checked out the link however unsure the book will be useful although I shall look at it more closely given more time.

    Thankyou for dropping by.

     

  • At Sunday, December 11, 2005 12:23:00 PM, Blogger E in Oz said…

    Btw, what area of Melb are you in? I'm northern suburbs.

     

  • At Sunday, December 11, 2005 2:34:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Thanks For understanding so well Colleen. My children are no doubt a gift and very special indeed. The sun shines brilliantly through them and at moments like when I wrote this I am reminded about the fact that they exist. Darkness is in every person. I choose to connect with it as a way of getting closer to that side of me. This blog is a venue for expression and something I value as part of the journey I choose to document. Thanks for your ongoing interest and thoughtful responses They really do mean alot to me Colleen.

    kalliope. I reside in the Inner Eastern region of Melbourne.

     

  • At Sunday, December 11, 2005 3:14:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    lol... i am not that vain. i was kidding with my last comment in my post ;) and you know, sometimes writing is some of the best therapy there is... i know it helps me a lot with things. it's so clichéd to say so, but it's true. i will continue to read your stuff too, I'm about to blogroll you. thank you for your kind comments on my stuff and all, and I'll work on commenting your entries as well.

     

  • At Sunday, December 11, 2005 3:32:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Hey Greyor, get your Modern Greek dictionary out and translate this.LOL

    {{{{Euxapisto}}}}

    ala tpelos eisai; gpapse tiv epgasia sou kale. Avde! lol.

    Im only joking (if you succeeded to encrypt meaning out of that).I do agree that writing is a form of release and can work wonders.

     

  • At Sunday, December 11, 2005 10:55:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey.I'm feeling much better now. THx so much

     

  • At Sunday, December 11, 2005 11:28:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    I am so happy to hear that Jem. Thanks for dropping by :-}

     

  • At Monday, December 12, 2005 12:18:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    u know what? u can write me an email instead. thesuperjem@hotmail.com or likewise u can leave me ur add so i can talk to u when ur online. smiles.

     

  • At Monday, December 12, 2005 3:27:00 AM, Blogger Solo said…

    I saw your comments, you are right, I am passionate about her.

     

  • At Monday, December 12, 2005 5:48:00 AM, Blogger Iain Dughlais said…

    Rip
    out
    my
    uteris
    slash
    it to bits!

    That stuck in my mind for some reason, haunting. But also graphic and disturbing. I suppose this is a sentiment a number of women share. I can't even begin to understand. Existance as a plague, an idea I've toyed with in my plays but never poetry. I think there are afflictions on you I don't know about. :) But that's ok, you're still a stranger.
    Keep writing.

     

  • At Monday, December 12, 2005 12:48:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    lol i have no idea about that modern Greek... did you transliterate it properly? oh well. translate it for me, i want to know what it said... is 'gpapsa' supposed to be 'grapsa' for 'egrapsa' ("I wrote") ? hehe.

     

  • At Monday, December 12, 2005 5:01:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Greyor.Its supposed to say 'grapse'as I wrote it. Yes I did transliterate it as correctly as I could given I don`t have a modern greek program installed on my computer.If I did you wouldn`t have a problem understanding it.
    What it says is this:

    Are you crazy? Go and write your paper. Common !

     

  • At Monday, December 12, 2005 9:41:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Hello iain, thanks for dropping by and offering your comments. Im not sure if many women feel that way about their uteris but I sure felt quite low when I wrote that. Thankfully that time has passed for now.Thanks for dropping by :-]

    It`s lovely to read of your passion indeed, but you are also torturing yourself and I do sincerely hope you find some peace soon solosweat. Take care, and thanks for dropping by ;-}

     

  • At Tuesday, December 13, 2005 8:26:00 AM, Blogger Lisa said…

    One can see the pain in your soul through your poetry. But I like that you also mention your children... They make life worth living. :-)

     

  • At Tuesday, December 13, 2005 10:50:00 AM, Blogger ange said…

    life is tough at times. It sux! You know im having a rough time with the issues of my nan. Thanx for your comments.
    Im glad you are seeing someone. I hope they are helping you.
    I saw a psychiatrist once as i do have depression. He did nothing to help! I can see him now listening to me with tears welling up in my eyes as i spoke about the painful things that affected me in the past. All he did was nod and say a ha, a ha, hmmmm, a ha, As he was writting all of my issues down on paper. Jesus! i wanted to slap him.
    I lasted for 2 sessions and read some self help books.They kind of helped. Sometimes i think its better to help yourself depending on your situation.
    All the best my friend. Remember to stand tall, hold you head up and smile. xo

     

  • At Tuesday, December 13, 2005 5:39:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Lisa my children are like a tonic. That may sound selfish, like they are put here to help me however that is exactly what they do, without even knowing. Thanks for being so perceptive.

    Ange, thanks for your encouraging words. Psychiatrists often play a very silent role I think, and at times what you describe has been similar to my experiences. whilst reading I even though we must have visited the same 'bloody arsehole'.
    Once he made me do some physical aggresssion building excersizes.
    You should have seen the room it was covered in red walls! lol I laugh at that now. Agression wasn`t the issue...I think he now knows he got that wrong. I think we all have issues and how we choose to deal with them defines alot about us.

    Thankyou for your empathy ange, I appreciate your thoughtful response and encouragement.

    You cannot help me Jem, but I thankyou for your concern and interest. I hope you are doing fine.

     

  • At Tuesday, December 13, 2005 8:16:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Things are beginning to suck. I'm like throwing my ego away just to be with her and all she can say is I miss you but it's best we be friends. Like WTF. Didn't it mean anything to her? It really sucks. Thankfully I have friends to help me forget things.

     

  • At Tuesday, December 13, 2005 10:36:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Jem, break ups aren`t easy. Especially when one party still feels quite passionately attached to the person they once knew.Let it go Jem, and be free.

     

  • At Wednesday, December 14, 2005 9:23:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I really can't bring myself to, Consise. I can't believe one minute I'm telling her I want to spend the rest of my life with her and the next minute she's like telling me Let's break up. I'm at such a loss. I've given so much in the relationship that it's taken a toll on me.

    She tells me she misses me too but rather not get into it again. I'm trying hard to be alright but it's so difficult. I'm trying to surround myself with girls but it's just not the same. I wish there was someway to change her mind. I'm pretty sure she still has feelings for me.

     

  • At Wednesday, December 14, 2005 10:34:00 AM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Gem I sense your frustration, really I do. But when a woman tells you 'its over' after you have asked her to marry you,then that speaks for its self wouldn`t you say?
    If the relationship reached a level where marriage was on the cards,then id say she probably does have feelings for you,but for whatever reasons she can`t marry or be with you anymore.I hesitate to think that any of this is easy on her either.
    Is there any way you can remove yourself from where you and her live and take a break from all the scene that reminds you of her? Distance and time might be the order of the day Jem. I know it`s hard and I sense your heartache.

    Please take care.

     

  • At Friday, December 16, 2005 10:09:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey mate its Brooke, I was going thou may fav's list and saw your blog link there and thought gee its been awhile since i last wrote. How have you been? From the poem i have just read not real good hey! I can feel the pain you are feeling thou your poetry. Hang in there mate keep the blogs coming, saves bottleing it all up ay!
    If i don't hear from ya i hope you have a lovely christmas.
    Luv Brooke x

     

  • At Friday, December 16, 2005 1:01:00 PM, Blogger Fred said…

    Sorry I came in so late, but I can't say much more than has already been said. Hope things work out for you.

     

  • At Friday, December 16, 2005 11:32:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Hey Brooke. How are ya mate? Its really good to hear from you,as always,you`re able to put a smile to my face.Big fat grin here now:-}
    Merry Xmas to you too and not too much alcohol Ay! lol.

    Fred It`s ok,thanks for dropping by and showing interest I appreciate it.

     

  • At Saturday, December 17, 2005 12:21:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Tenderheart.Thanks for reading and showing a continued interest in my 'darkest thoughts'. It was a trying time when I wrote that piece, and upon reflection can understand why many would be 'concerned'but thankfully its a new day and that time has passed.Merry Xmas to you too and thankyou for the sentiments Rose.

     

  • At Monday, December 19, 2005 7:05:00 AM, Blogger Stathis said…

    You have discovered the solution: listening to your desires. It takes time and commitment, but it works.

    Thanks for visiting my blog-I like your blog too.

     

  • At Monday, December 19, 2005 2:19:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Stathis i think if I listened to my desires all the time id be dead,or if not.. in a hell of a lot of strife! Thanks for dropping by 'patrioti'.

     

  • At Tuesday, December 20, 2005 6:37:00 AM, Blogger Stathis said…

    listening is not realizing-mindfulnes s is not acting out

     

  • At Tuesday, December 20, 2005 2:27:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    in my paper, I wasn't portraying the Romans as passive or peaceful... the first part was one of the Greeks speaking in favour of the invasion, and the second was one of the Greeks speaking against the invasion. I did say that the Italians were as or more fierce than the Greeks... hehe. glad you liked the read. I will have to read your next post at length tonight sometime. :)

     

  • At Tuesday, December 20, 2005 3:25:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Damn I must have been 'tifli' not to notice that Greyor! I`ll have to return to it again I think.

     

  • At Tuesday, December 27, 2005 4:48:00 PM, Blogger SuperP. said…

    Rip
    out
    my
    uteris
    slash
    it to bits!

    Made me think of the self-loathing and feelings of self-punishment for some women who have endured an abortion.. Also made me think of the feelings some women dealing with infertility may feel, as though they have been betrayed by their own bodies.. Also made me think of a woman who may be temporarily caught up in the paradox of loving and resenting her children..

    Whatever it is, I hope you've found a way to exercise it from you.

    God Bless.

    And, all the best.

     

  • At Thursday, January 12, 2006 4:15:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    I have not been able to adequately give a reply to you about your comments penny...because i dont want to dreg out more crap by documenting it here.All I will say is that you are very perceptive indeed, thanks for stopping by.

     

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