FEELINGS

Monday, November 21, 2005

Emotional Run

Has it always been that I have been an emotional 'runner'? When I reflect on previous relationships I know once I have felt vulnerable it`s my cue to run and never be found.

Before I met Troy I spent almost a whole year living in Europe- Greece to be specific as I needed a break from study and other negative influences which were interfering with my ability to achieve a grip on life. So I decided that living some where completely different making new friends and even having some 'sex' was going to be good medicine for me.

Well there were some short lived flings but one stood out. It took almost 3 months for us to consumate our relationship. As soon as we did I felt incredibly vulnerable and exposed that we never talked for weeks following. I kept on rejecting his calls and plain ignoring him. For me it was a moment I`d felt completely out of control, somewhat exposed and because of the physical act of union extremely vulnerable. I had gotten to know nothing about him really and yet I felt I had shown myself completely and honestly. I`m not one of these women who can easily fake emotions when naked and completely exposed when I have such intense feelings for for the man I`m with. Any way to cut a long story short it wasnt our destiny to be connected beyond that time I spent living abroad.

I`m currently feeling that something very similar is happening to me with relation to Troy. Although I know that kissing him was incredibly difficult I overcame that recently and it has been bliss, some thing is niggling away telling me that you need to continue in some way to keep your distance do not allow your self to be vulnerable especially not in a sexual way to Troy...look at what hes gone and done he`s compromised your trust....

I have only ever 'made love' and felt uncontrolably unable to just 'fuck' to only few in my life. I have been told by 1 of those few men that I 'made love' to, that I really am very vivid and just a complete open book, speaking a language quite unique to the purpose of the feelings unspoken.

Upon hearing that being voiced I ran far away and became quite uncommunicative choosing to instead bluntly stop myself from being known. It`s was like an intense disability and fear of being seen and known for what`s at the core of me. I do regret it often because I never allowed my self the opportunity to get to know those few men that I had been in love with...

There is no doubt I do or have felt a distance with Troy because of all the bloody fucking shit between us and have been afraid to go there completely with him again, and now that i have, im starting to revisit that niggling talk about doing an emotional run.

17 Comments:

  • At Sunday, November 20, 2005 3:42:00 AM, Blogger Sara said…

    Wow consise.

    I so understand what you're going through. I lived that way for so many years. My husband is really the first person that I have been intimate with that I didn't constantly keep at an arms length or flat out run from after 'opening up' to.

    The only reason for this is truly my dh's dogged determination. He constantly, sweetly, lovingly and with such gentleness got me to stay close. Sometimes I still wonder how he did it.

    (((((consise)))))


    Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

    ;-)

    S

     
  • At Sunday, November 20, 2005 1:54:00 PM, Blogger SuperP. said…

    wow. I have never read or talked to someone who felt like I did and who had ventured to put it into words. Well done and thankyou. I know exactly what you mean.

     
  • At Friday, November 25, 2005 10:23:00 AM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Thanks for sharing that and dropping by sara. ;-}

    Colleen..your insights are always so real and although I realise a separation between us may be what`s needed it`s not always as easy as just removing yourself when our children are none the wiser. They have absolutely no idea that any thing wrong is between us. We don`t argue and both interact as parents and family people around them.
    There is no other way to be these days with all the crap flying around about the disintergration of the family and its values.


    Without veering too much off the topic here what I want to relay is that I probably know in my heart of hearts what I should be doing but am unable due to factors and circumstances of life.

    I really do appreciate your interest and imput on my blog Colleen. Take care :-)

     
  • At Friday, November 25, 2005 10:34:00 AM, Blogger consise10 said…

    You are most welcome Penny, and thanks again for dropping by :-}

    Tenderheart, I kind of thought you might have been able to relate to this post.As for the mis spelling-do you know why I chose consise as opposed to the correct spelling of that word ? lol, because it`s every thing that I am not! Not concise never have been- never will and at times like others can`t spell....So do not worry about it Tenderheart ;)

    Thanks for coming by and participating :-]

     
  • At Friday, November 25, 2005 2:32:00 PM, Blogger Michelle M. Buchanan said…

    Take a chance. Live and feel, cry and cry again. Or perhaps you aren't really afraid of being hurt. Maybe you are afraid to let yourself be happy.

    Oh I know, I don't know you and how could I understand.

    But listen. What's the worse that can happen? You get hurt. You survive it. OR you find that sweet spot. Either way, in the middle of it all are thousands of happy moments. You're missing out on those.

    Take a chance. You DO deserve to be happy.

     
  • At Friday, November 25, 2005 7:42:00 PM, Blogger E in Oz said…

    Can't tell you how many times I've read this post. Still not sure how to respond. There's so much I'd like to say, but this is not my journey to walk, it's yours.

    Whatever it is that you need to do for yourself, you'll do it when you're ready and you won't question it, because you'll just know.

    Hugs to you. :-)

     
  • At Saturday, November 26, 2005 2:58:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    You know what Michelle...you are pretty close to being right with your statement. I am afraid to be happy especially since so much is still unresolved within 'me'. Thanks for stopping by and please feel welcomed here again.

    Kalliope. The journey I`m on is so emotionally draining at times. I am some what unable at this point to not look at what`s transpired between Troy and I especially the past, which makes it difficult to completely overcome.
    Thankyou for your interest, I really appreciate it. :-]

     
  • At Monday, November 28, 2005 5:08:00 AM, Blogger Conker said…

    Hi consise10!
    This is a very interesting and personal website - my English isn`t very good but I understand the most.
    Thanks for your post at my website.

    Many grettings from Austria

     
  • At Monday, November 28, 2005 2:33:00 PM, Blogger Thoughts said…

    I really have very little to add to this line of thoughts.

    I have been married for 24 and a half years and separated for the last 4 and a half of them.

    I got involved with some one once and will never go there again.

    Just my two cents...

    Thoughts

     
  • At Monday, November 28, 2005 4:01:00 PM, Blogger Lisa said…

    wow. You express your feelings so vividly.

    I was always the woman who felt vulnerable and then would latch on and become very needy. There were alot of times I wished I could react more like you do. But obviously, it ends up being a different set of worries and anxieties.

     
  • At Tuesday, November 29, 2005 10:46:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Hey Conker...greetings from another 'Au' on the otherside of the planet...way down south. Thanks for dropping by :)

    To you aswell unhappy thinker, thanks for taking an interest and sharing some of yourself. :-)

    lisa. we are all unique and respond to situations of the heart differently.Thanks for dropping by and offering your comment, I really appreciate it :~}

     
  • At Wednesday, November 30, 2005 9:21:00 AM, Blogger Nic said…

    Hi Consise.. I must be running right beside you at top speed!
    I think you described a large chunk of my life to date..

    I thought I would quickly stop past and say hi! and that im still alive (tee hee hee).

    Talk to you soon,

    Nic xxx

     
  • At Wednesday, November 30, 2005 9:48:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Ahhh sure nic..glad you are alive!
    WOW its amazing how everyones experiences mirror in some way our own human experiences of relationships most poignant in our lives. I do get similar comments about my journal here from many participants and am glad for the opportunity to share a little bit of my self and what Im presently living. The journey is never smooth nic. Thanks for dropping by mate ;-]

     
  • At Friday, December 02, 2005 11:43:00 AM, Blogger Fred said…

    I can completely understand that you wanted to get away, and Greece was a great place to go. I needed to do the same thing after college to escape a woman I loved but who didn't love me, so I fled to Florida. I've pretty much been here ever since. And, I'm glad this is where I wound up; I met the woman I've now been with for 25 years.

    It's tough for me to comment (the guy thing), but others have said very wisely what I probably could not say.

    Either way, were pulling for you.

     
  • At Sunday, December 04, 2005 1:28:00 PM, Blogger Kid Ric said…

    Don't know quite what to say to this post. When you find the right one you may not run away anymore. I start feeling trapped when I am in a relationship and tend to run myself.

    Thanks for your comments.

    Peace, love and light.

     
  • At Sunday, December 04, 2005 5:21:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Hey fred, thanks for sharing a little of your personal experience here. You were very lucky that you met the woman of your dreams while you were 'running' and are still together.

    Kid Ric. 'Some one else' doesn`t come into this equation. There is no one else. Although I have had plenty and probably still could have many if I wanted, it just wouldn`t help.

     
  • At Saturday, December 10, 2005 1:34:00 AM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Oh Jem, dear me, I have been In similar predicaments...just hold on to your heart be careful who you give it too.Life passes by and we are subject to all kinds of trials. You definately are worthwhile. A friend from this blog once told me 'to screw the nasties'. It was good advice.

     

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