Emotional Run

Has it always been that I have been an emotional 'runner'? When I reflect on previous relationships I know once I have felt vulnerable it`s my cue to run and never be found.

Before I met Troy I spent almost a whole year living in Europe- Greece to be specific as I needed a break from study and other negative influences which were interfering with my ability to achieve a grip on life. So I decided that living some where completely different making new friends and even having some 'sex' was going to be good medicine for me.

Well there were some short lived flings but one stood out. It took almost 3 months for us to consumate our relationship. As soon as we did I felt incredibly vulnerable and exposed that we never talked for weeks following. I kept on rejecting his calls and plain ignoring him. For me it was a moment I`d felt completely out of control, somewhat exposed and because of the physical act of union extremely vulnerable. I had gotten to know nothing about him really and yet I felt I had shown myself completely and honestly. I`m not one of these women who can easily fake emotions when naked and completely exposed when I have such intense feelings for for the man I`m with. Any way to cut a long story short it wasnt our destiny to be connected beyond that time I spent living abroad.

I`m currently feeling that something very similar is happening to me with relation to Troy. Although I know that kissing him was incredibly difficult I overcame that recently and it has been bliss, some thing is niggling away telling me that you need to continue in some way to keep your distance do not allow your self to be vulnerable especially not in a sexual way to Troy...look at what hes gone and done he`s compromised your trust....

I have only ever 'made love' and felt uncontrolably unable to just 'fuck' to only few in my life. I have been told by 1 of those few men that I 'made love' to, that I really am very vivid and just a complete open book, speaking a language quite unique to the purpose of the feelings unspoken.

Upon hearing that being voiced I ran far away and became quite uncommunicative choosing to instead bluntly stop myself from being known. It`s was like an intense disability and fear of being seen and known for what`s at the core of me. I do regret it often because I never allowed my self the opportunity to get to know those few men that I had been in love with...

There is no doubt I do or have felt a distance with Troy because of all the bloody fucking shit between us and have been afraid to go there completely with him again, and now that i have, im starting to revisit that niggling talk about doing an emotional run.