FEELINGS

Friday, October 14, 2005

surrender

Why am I angry? . Although I have you Troy, I feel so desperately lonely. The anger and betrayal I feel about what has occured is still with me in some private and silent domain. I was safe and secure before you went down that road and I know it took me a while to tell you how it was destroying me, but you must understand that It wasn`t easy to live in that silence.


I felt us beginning to fade and all my security being robbed and violated. I often feel now that I`m trying to give you my heart but it`s just too little too late. I felt it desperately while we were intimate only hours ago. I was just driving myself to distraction and nothing was making it right. I am weak and it`s the 'ache' that makes me like that.

I want to surrender all this pain and begin again...but how ?



20 Comments:

  • At Friday, October 14, 2005 2:49:00 AM, Blogger Tenderheart said…

    I feel your pain, consise. I'm sorry. I hope things get better for you.. :)

     
  • At Friday, October 14, 2005 11:03:00 AM, Blogger mamalujo1 said…

    Consise, I'm back from vacation, we had a great time. I've been reading your blog. Wow, what can I say. Life is complicated. Relationships are complicated. I hope the blogging helps, just knowing there are those of out here listening, and hoping things get better. Praying for you. Keep listening to that voice inside you-I think it's going to always be right for you. Keep in touch.

     
  • At Friday, October 14, 2005 1:35:00 PM, Blogger Pseudo-intellectual lunatic said…

    thanks for comong by my blog
    i hope u are better soon

     
  • At Saturday, October 15, 2005 1:48:00 PM, Blogger Nic said…

    oh consise, *Hugs*, It will get better, actually i bet you felt a little bit better by getting that out of your system, your amazing and strong and this is a mere bump not a hurdle. Nic xx

     
  • At Saturday, October 15, 2005 5:08:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Tenderheart your sentiments are so genuinely received..thankyou. for being interested enough to keep comming by.

    Just thinking. I`m so glad you visited and commented. The voice within is the problem. It`s at moments like these the negative self talk takes hold. Thanks for your interest and yes, let`s not be strangers :)

    You are spot on Nicole. Getting it all out is like taking a breath after joking, which is why this medium is an amazing vehicle...for communicating. The core of intimate relationships( like justthinking said ) are a huge and complex maze for anyone to work through. Blogging is great for whatever one chooses to share.

    Thankyou so kindly for the encouraging words Nic they are heartwarming.

    Pseudo-intellectual lunatic -thankyou :)

     
  • At Sunday, October 16, 2005 1:10:00 PM, Blogger Colleen Vesperman said…

    Hello Again Consise10,

    I'm sorry that we keep missing each other and when you had great difficulty logging on , wouldn't you know that's when the server for that website was down for service and it took longer than it was supposed to. But,I will try checking every night at 10pm est., because one of these times at least one of us will bump into each other and start gabbing!

    Anyways, I just read your last posting and I'm really saddened for what keeps hurting and haunting you. I can really relate to the insecurity you feel about Troy's past (I hope it's only in the past)cheating. I was in a significant relationship before I met my husband, that involved a cheater and not only once and not only with one woman either. I don't know if I would have labeled him a sex addict, but I just considered him a "mooch" because these women would give him other "fringe" benefits for the sex. Not that his sex was really worth anything, but he did appear to enjoy the anger and sadness that his actions stirredin me and that he would have more than one woman fighting over him. I call those days my "stupid" days because I was no more than my early twenties at best and we had one child and one child on the way. I was even more stupid to think that another baby would make him stop cheating and be more committed to me!

    This time I don't really have any answers that might soothe your pain except that I'm here empathizing with you and here to talk with too.

    Chin up and keep doing what you do best and that is to keep loving the people in your life and eventually enough will come back at least to help be able to continue down the road to trusting and healing again.

    Your friend Colleen

    www.colleenvesperman.com

     
  • At Sunday, October 16, 2005 4:53:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Thankyou for sharing that.
    I really enjoy your imput and I can`t tell you enough how much I appreciate your words here Colleen.
    The fact that some like you, all read regulary and comment, absolutely astounds me, as well as provides impetus to share some of the fragments of my life.
    I shall keep trying when I can to log in at the specified time to your live chat arena and hope fully we can talk more in real time.

     
  • At Monday, October 17, 2005 6:51:00 AM, Blogger charles blunt said…

    Hi I was on Colleens chat site a few minutes ago and saw your name listed and tried to chat but for some reason could not make it work .I tried private chat with same results . Oh well I will try again somtime soon .

     
  • At Monday, October 17, 2005 8:06:00 AM, Blogger Jin Sol said…

    Thank you for the note on my blog.
    Can I ask how you found it?

     
  • At Monday, October 17, 2005 8:39:00 PM, Blogger ange said…

    pain hurts. no matter what shape or form it comes in.be kind to yourself. go with whats right for you.take care.*hugs*

     
  • At Monday, October 17, 2005 10:56:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Thankyou Ange.

     
  • At Monday, October 17, 2005 11:07:00 PM, Blogger Eric Gehler said…

    I understand to well Consise!!

     
  • At Monday, October 17, 2005 11:19:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Oh what a pity Charles! I too have tried to chat with Collen who`s name was twice on the list and even Tenderherat when i was also in but had no success. Lets keep trying and Im sure sooner or later we will all be in there at once and can chat in real time.

    Hello Jin Sol. Im not sure where I found it,(I think I may have been surfing the blogger front page and cliked it some how) and I guess just enjoyed what you wrote and so decided to leave a comment. Hey, thanks for dropping by any way.

    Eric...some do tell me they can relate to the words here.Thanks for showing a continued interest in my blog, I really appreciate it.

     
  • At Tuesday, October 18, 2005 7:47:00 AM, Blogger Eric Gehler said…

    So, Interestingly enough Ol' consise and I share the same birthday, August 10th. mine in 1965 hers in 19**

    Will wonders never cease. And Yes Consise God is all around and has a plan for you too :)

    So go do the right thing...

     
  • At Tuesday, October 18, 2005 6:47:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Hello again Eric. So we share a common birthdate...mmm so do millions of others in the world.Does that mean we are all alike? I think not.in my opinion It is ludicrous and a total scam all that is revealed in the so called horoscopes.I refuse to be identified by means of a commonly held belief and theory centred around the farse of character analysis which is too general it doesn`t indicate anything.

    Whatever you are trying to say here about what is 'right'is not right for me presently however...given that we had a rather lenghthy and personal conversation I won`t deny that I know what you are alluding to but at this present point in time I cannot find the position within to engage in it,if you know what i mean Eric. It`s most confronting, I simply am not ready and can`t.

    You made me laugh so hard during our conversation my belly was sore.
    Damm you !! :)

     
  • At Wednesday, October 19, 2005 12:32:00 PM, Blogger Eric Gehler said…

    Well at least you found some Humor..LOL , and I truly wasn't really trying. God forbid if I had tried, you would be in the hospital in Stitches :) :)

    E.

    PS..tick tock tick tock...yes you can!!!! it's easy if you try!! tick tock tick tock and HE will reciprocate!!!!

     
  • At Wednesday, October 19, 2005 9:51:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Are you always this insistant Eric ?

     
  • At Wednesday, October 19, 2005 9:59:00 PM, Blogger Eric Gehler said…

    only when I am right :) LOL

     
  • At Monday, October 24, 2005 12:31:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey it's Brooke, whoo hoo I worked it out, I now know how to leave a comment. YAH!! Round of applause for me ;)
    Ok, I have just read every entry you have left on your blog and firstly I'm sad to hear what you have been going through for so long and the hurt and pain you are feeling. These blogs help heaps for letting it all out and not keeping it all bottled up until one day you snap.
    There are other things i want to comment on but i will email you rather then leaving it here.
    Brooke :)

     
  • At Monday, October 24, 2005 5:20:00 PM, Blogger consise10 said…

    Thankyou Brooke! I knew you would work it out and also for being so curious to read the entire blog.I really will look forward to receiving that email from you with further comments-hopefully you can say it in a 'comical manner' like you always do and crack me up completely!

    Thanks for visiting mate :)

     

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