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I recently resigned from my job. I no longer am 'repesentor of human bile' or 'pondscum' as one person put it.

I do have a few case loads I need to follow through until their next hurdle which I hope will be some time in Feb/March but after that is over I am a free woman. Free of the chains this job has on my mind. So stressful it`s been to have to deal with things,situations I essentially despise, and cannot condone. Although it was never my role to be judge, you had to be in a certain way, to find out the truth in the story with whom you were dealing. They don`t always tell you everything up front. Dealing mostly with adolescents is another thing all together. Generally speaking they are troubled and often because of factors of abuse in their history, makes their affliction towards the unlawful greater.

Of recent, I was not exactly able to adequately defend not so much the adolescents, but others who also came into my case loads. Mind you, I don`t think I was ever aware about having these feelings especially not at the onset of my career. It`s something that kind of grew on me, a type of dissent away from what I had learned and knew it took to play the role I grew to despise. My head will finally be free of the clutches and stresses of this aspect of my life.

I am planning an overseas trip maybe together with my beautiful boy and cannot wait. Although things seem bleak at times and life not worth all the pennies of financial freedom and luxury I have attained and share with him,I am coming to realise that It really means nothing. When you are dragged down by heavy existance and consumed with fear and hatred firstly for your self and extended even to your 'created blood' at the worse of moments what does material do to alter it ? In my crazier moments of delirium I feel quite guilty for blaming them both for existing and me not being able to escape to the other plain where I feel I belong. Although my hands do not not shake, In my quiet mind I am often erratic. When I`m speaking the truth I am overcome with an innate ability to twist words in ways which suit and often get me a desired response.That comes with the experience of my shitty existence and what I have been doing in my career all along. 'You are insane' Troy often tells me, and he is right.

Things are on the upward finally !