A moment of madness
This post was written back on January 9 during a heat wave.I have now decided to publish it
Its currently 36 degrees, and im feeling a little bewildered by the heat. I don`t understand why but my mind constanatly travels to the darkest places. Places where destinies are carved in stone by actions which speak horrid and merciless moments. I look around me at all that I have aquired in material form and I see that it means nothing. I do not have financial difficulties and I do have what I want materialistically speaking. But that what I need and truly want I cant have.
I have been told by my close friend MJ that my thinking is at times insane. I have an inate ability to speak shit and twist words to suit when I am speaking truth. I guess that is a skill I have come to aquire with the shitty destiny of my life.I want nothing but true love, but unfaithfulness is often what I attract. I am often overcome with lust in my silent domain. I have been praying of recent for God to hate me and Troy also the same. I don`t want you to want me...I don`t even want the curse that I am.
I currently look forward to an overseas trip with my beautiful petal of a boy.The one who`s eyes I look into each and every day and am reminded of truth and beauty. The eyes that don`t lie and can`t be shaded.
Its currently 36 degrees, and im feeling a little bewildered by the heat. I don`t understand why but my mind constanatly travels to the darkest places. Places where destinies are carved in stone by actions which speak horrid and merciless moments. I look around me at all that I have aquired in material form and I see that it means nothing. I do not have financial difficulties and I do have what I want materialistically speaking. But that what I need and truly want I cant have.
I have been told by my close friend MJ that my thinking is at times insane. I have an inate ability to speak shit and twist words to suit when I am speaking truth. I guess that is a skill I have come to aquire with the shitty destiny of my life.I want nothing but true love, but unfaithfulness is often what I attract. I am often overcome with lust in my silent domain. I have been praying of recent for God to hate me and Troy also the same. I don`t want you to want me...I don`t even want the curse that I am.
I currently look forward to an overseas trip with my beautiful petal of a boy.The one who`s eyes I look into each and every day and am reminded of truth and beauty. The eyes that don`t lie and can`t be shaded.
posted by consise10 @ 12:17 AM
28 Comments:
At Tuesday, March 14, 2006 11:13:00 AM,
Tim Rice said…
Could you comment on what you want this post to accomplish? I am sad for you and your experiences.
At Tuesday, March 14, 2006 11:37:00 AM,
consise10 said…
Tim, Looking back at what was writen in Jan I realise that I still largely feel the same about myself.An incident occured just prior to this documentation which I do not wish to elaborate on but it sets tone. You asked about accomplishment...I dont set out to accomplish anything. It`s just a running record of my thoughts at certain 'vulnerable' moments.It just helps to 'release' them here,in this annonymous medium. Thanks for your ongoing interest tim rice.
At Tuesday, March 14, 2006 4:03:00 PM,
SuperP. said…
The fact that you don't want God or people to 'want' you or to 'care' for you, suggests to me that you are living in a way that you don't want anyone to either interfere or see you for how you see yourself. So.. do you wish to change or remain something which will cause others to despair.
It sounds to me, and this is just my opinion, that you need to grab hold of the reins and make the difficult changes that you are too angry, too bitter, too untrusting or too tired to make.
I could be very wrong. If I'm not, then I only hope I helped.
At Tuesday, March 14, 2006 6:18:00 PM,
consise10 said…
Not sure if Im causing anyone else despair..I hope I am not doing that,it is not my intention. I just feel very low at times and negativity becomes me in my darkest hours which seem to get documented right here. penny you seem very astute...can you tell me how one can change a life time of a generally critical nature..which slants on the self damaging.
I am bitter about Troys endeavours within our union-I dont entirely trust him, how can I ? As for my self... yes there is an element of hatred there...and yes i don`t want God or anyone else for that matter to want me, need me,know me or even care about me.
At Wednesday, March 15, 2006 3:35:00 AM,
Jeanne said…
Here's the thing. What is "you"? It seems to me that "you" is the part that dislikes what you consider bad. That makes "you" good. A "bad" person would embrace the bad, not dislike it. I don't know if there's anything of practical use in that, but it should allow you to love yourself, even if you keep irritating the hell out of yourself by doing/feeling things you wish you didn't.
At Wednesday, March 15, 2006 10:39:00 AM,
consise10 said…
Things have occured which are irreversable. Like the desires we don`t ever act on which are concealed within our psyche.I often feel consumed by these occurances.Im trying hard to be a tower of strength to my self but like everyone else I am only human...and God isn`t there for me. I must admit giving up my job has lifted a huge burden which didn`t help my mental well being, but the other stuff just lingers like a thickness which has solidified and I wear it like a charm I`m told from one close friend. How can I grasp that weight and rip it off so it`s no longer visible Jeanne? I dont see how it can be done.I know i need to remove my self from this situation and not give in to my desire to be bare with him...That itself.... so damm difficult!
At Wednesday, March 15, 2006 10:52:00 AM,
Minka said…
As most of us, lookign for love, becomes a journey of dissapointments. The strength in it is to keep on searching. Eventually you´ll find it...and it seems to me that you already have more than you realize. There is no love bigge rtahn the unconditional version a child feels for its parent.
Hugs to both of you!
At Wednesday, March 15, 2006 11:07:00 AM,
consise10 said…
Its a totally different kind of love monika...its unlike anything in this world.I often wish i didnt know it...then what I want to do would be easier.
At Wednesday, March 15, 2006 7:46:00 PM,
Jeanne said…
I have to go take a test today, and I can't take the time to concentrate on anything else now, much as I would like to. I'm thinking about you.
At Wednesday, March 15, 2006 8:41:00 PM,
consise10 said…
Jeanne I hope your tests results are favourable in their outcome..and that 'you' are doing fine..I`ll be thinking of you aswell now.
At Thursday, March 16, 2006 9:27:00 AM,
Tim Rice said…
Thanks, concise10, for your comments. Just know that others care for you as you go through these hard times. Unfortunately, life isn't fair. I think it is good that you don't keep your feelings bottled up.
At Thursday, March 16, 2006 10:03:00 AM,
consise10 said…
Tim, I do not want to have anyone 'care' for me and I know it`s an impossible objective.
At Thursday, March 16, 2006 9:43:00 PM,
Tim Rice said…
concise10, I'm sorry you feel that way. Life is shitty sometimes; but we all need others to care for us and one another whether we want it or not.
At Thursday, March 16, 2006 10:11:00 PM,
consise10 said…
I do feel that way Tim,but i also hear you and know what you mean. You seem a very positive person.I require much stimulus and am always looking for something both physically and mentally. At this point in my life, with what i`m faced with I cannot be content to do what i know i should do, because of the two innocent souls I stupidly bought Into the evil traps of this world. That again is called 'regret'.It can`t be undone.
At Friday, March 17, 2006 6:31:00 AM,
Jeanne said…
I understand how you feel about your children- in my darkest moments I feel like a villain for bringing three people into the world. But when the clouds clear away, I believe just as strongly the opposite. Since both situations seem just as entirely true when I feel them, I cannot say that any, however strong, conviction of negativity is necessarily right. Taken as a whole, I feel convinced that life is moving towards goodness and meaning far more often than I feel the inevitable hopelessness and doom of untouchable aloneness, or theinability to change the hopelessness of certain situations. Therefore, I have faith, at least when I leave the depths, that life is good and meaningful, and that everything will be alright. Fortunately for me, my depths of complete despair do not last longer than a few hours at most, and come very seldom. It sounds as though you have a rougher time of it. But my point is, that just because it feels entirely true and unescapable doesn't mean that it is. At any moment a light can shine in, and you will allow yourself to trust the floor that forms beneath your feet above the abyss, and soon after you will have forgotten how the horribleness felt.
At Friday, March 17, 2006 3:55:00 PM,
Lisa said…
Can't wait to hear about your trip.
At Friday, March 17, 2006 10:52:00 PM,
zypsy said…
true love? don't ever search for it consise...
At Friday, March 17, 2006 11:52:00 PM,
consise10 said…
Jeanne,thankyou. Thankyou for reading between the lines and very accurately too.I do suffer similar to what you describe...and the surounds are all too often sombre and lugubrious.I guess I have been like that for most of my life and while I can see the light out side the cave I feel I reside, It`s blinding so I choose to stay In this permanent state of greyness or shadow If you like.It`s extremely difficult To comprehend and even put into words. Thanks for taking the time to say what you have said...its meaningful and relevant,and some thing I definately needed to hear.
At Friday, March 17, 2006 11:54:00 PM,
consise10 said…
Lisa..you know what? I cant wait to get out and go too.
Zypsy..never will.I agree with you.Thanks for dropping by.
At Saturday, March 18, 2006 12:23:00 AM,
SuperP. said…
"...can you tell me how one can change a life time of a generally critical nature..which slants on the self damaging."
LOL.
Honestly? I had 15 solid years of self-ailenation and escapism and self-destructive behavior.. all masked by an impenetrable sweet smile. I relate often to what you write.
The only thing that helped me was intense and painful self-honesty, accepting that there were things I could not change and prayer for grace, peace, guidance, forgiveness and love. Prayer is an amazing thing. And.. in this world.. it's really the only thing we have left.
I still struggle. But, it's easier, now. Pain I had that I thought might kill me or turn me into a twisted old woman, has been dulled. I am not numb to the tortures of my mind or the world we live in, but I can handle them much, MUCH better, now.
I made a conscious decision to be the best person that I could be in direct opposition to and in spite of all that threatened to hurt me and now I view adversity as something to overcome. When it bites, I let it hurt and wait for it to heal and learn what I can from it.. whereas before, I used to bandaid everything with whatever vice I could.. usually anger. Anger is a great vice.
I don't think the struggle ever ends, so it's all in how you deal with it. It's not so much the events in life as our reactions to them.
At Saturday, March 18, 2006 1:07:00 AM,
consise10 said…
Penny.
I don`t pray,to me its futile.I don`t believe God exists for me or even for greater humanity. I have toyed with the idea long enough and have tried.
About making my own conscious decision.. I have decided to leave for a while and see exactly how I feel once i am removed from this situation.I am seeking to beter understand my self and what I 'truly' feel for him and what has become of our union.
You definately are spot on when you talk about the way we react and even respond to the crap in our lives. As I have already said some where in this damm space earlier on, I am deeply hurt- the wounds go beyond description,and I`m in and out of these gloomy depressive moods.
Penny I want to thankyou for being so frank and I do appreciate your interest and words.
At Saturday, March 18, 2006 4:00:00 PM,
Silvergirl said…
I hope things are getting better for you, consise.
I just found out that my sister has bipolar disorder, which explains a lot about her behavior.
As for your situation with Troy, I could never stand to be with an unfaithful man, but you have to do what you think is best.
At Saturday, March 18, 2006 9:22:00 PM,
isay said…
reading your post today-i just hope it was just one of those days.
best regards.
At Saturday, March 18, 2006 9:49:00 PM,
consise10 said…
Hey isay...thanks for that.These feelings always linger in me.
I`m sorry to learn about your sisters diagnosis Silvergirl..I hope she isn`t suffering too hard with it and thankyou for dropping by.
At Tuesday, March 21, 2006 11:52:00 PM,
Ultra Toast Mosha God said…
I can't really add anything to what has already been said.
But I will say this:
Articulating your feelings is almost as rewarding as resolving them.
At Wednesday, March 22, 2006 9:42:00 AM,
consise10 said…
This blog serves its purpose in that way utmgod. What a funny name you have, made me chuckle.Thanks for dropping by.
At Saturday, March 25, 2006 9:57:00 PM,
Cie Cheesemeister said…
My thinking is certifiably "insane" at times because I'm bipolar.
And I'm nuts enough not to care about being insane!
>;-)
At Sunday, March 26, 2006 10:27:00 AM,
consise10 said…
Ahh cheesemeister,I dont need to be certified as such to know that my moments of'insanity'are periodic in nature. When it arrives it`s pretty forceful and slants towards the self destructive.
Thanks for commenting.
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